Breastfeeding

The above photo is definitely not the best of me, but any photo with my daughter in it is beautiful as far as I'm concerned.  And this one is very special because it just reminds me of breastfeeding her in the hospital and all the amazing emotions and feelings that go along with that beautiful and special act.  I wanted to breastfeed my daughter so badly and made that clear all throughout my pregnancy, but I also wanted to do a completely natural birth so I know things don't work out as we expect most of the time.  Breastfeeding in the hospital was difficult to say the least.  I was so out of it from the surgery and my poor husband doesn't know anything about breastfeeding that we weren't very good at helping the little lady figure it out.  I'd nursed her successfully for over an hour right after surgery and even in my drugged up state of mind it was beautiful and special.  I loved that her daddy was right there helping me, it was just the 3 of us and yet it was also just her and I.  I felt so bonded to her and as cliche as it sounds I just felt this pure and amazing love flowing back forth between us.  Abby had a hard time latching on and Stephen had I hard time getting her to suck at all *she liked to fall asleep* by the time she was out of the hospital she'd lost 9oz which was kind of a lot and they were telling me she needed to eat more and I asked to give her a bottle breastfeeding wasn't as important as my daughter getting enough to eat that was the priority!  But the nurses wouldn't let me and that really bothered me.  I gave her formula the day we got home from the hospital and she was so hungry!  It broke my heart for my baby!  After that we tried to get her to breastfeed sometimes we were successful sometimes we weren't but it was always such a frustrating and usually discouraging battle I just started to pump and gave it to her in a bottle and that worked fine...until it didn't.  Having a cesarean and a newborn is very hard, my husband gets up at 4am to go to work so he's in bed at 8 and that leaves me to take care of our little girl and it got really difficult for me to pump and be up with her all night because inevitably at the time I would need to pump she would just have fallen asleep and so I was losing precious sleep time.  It got to be discouraging, stressful, and without the sleep I needed I was definitely headed towards depression and that is something nobody wants.  So I've finally decided to stop.  She's now a formula baby, and I'm starting to feel a lot better.  She was breastfed for two weeks which is better than nothing, and in my opinion a healthy mother is an important thing for a baby to have.  But I did breastfeed her one last time and she actually latched and sucked for a good long while, her daddy held her up to my breast and I cried with a smile on my face the whole time.  I wish I could've done it longer but I had a decision to make and I'm confident I made the right one for our family.  I will say thought that breastfeeding is a beautiful and wonderful thing and I wouldn't trade those moments with my daughter for anything in the world.

A little girl & A lot of love

It's been a while since I last updated, actually it's only been a little over two weeks.  That seems so unreal to me because it feels like forever ago I sat at the computer typing up this post on my due date discussing our options about our little girl's birth.  A lot changed.  We pretty much knew we were going to do a c-section that day.  It was the safest option for our baby so there really was no other choice to my way of thinking but we took the weekend to think about it like the doctor said to.  Monday we went in and find out there was another problem via an ultrasound, it looked like our little lady would have shoulder dystocia which made things a bit more serious and just confirmed that we were making the right choice in going with a c-section.  It all happened very fast though.   Suddenly the doctor was saying 'all right well let's schedule you right now' and the nurse said Friday but my doctor intervened and said before that so we decided on Wednesday...it was Monday it all seemed to be happening so fast!  So then I went over to the hospital for some blood work and husband drove over to sit with my mom and aunt while they waited for me right before I went in for the blood work I was called to the front desk apparently there was a phone call for me I couldn't imagine what that was about it turns out it was the secretary from the doctor's office saying they were moving my c-section to Tuesday...uhm what?...that's tomorrow!  I had to ask the lady to repeat herself I really did.  I was in total shock after that.  My husband looked like he was going to cry he was so happy...I thought I was going to throw up.  It was so real so fast!  Fast forward to the next day, we got to the hospital around 11 and before I knew it we were in the Maternity ward and I was meeting 'my nurse' Lyndsey *who was amazing and the Nursery Nurse named Celeste was also fantastic I will post about those ladies and my doctor later!* , after some trouble getting my IV in *I ended up having to have it in my wrist* my family started to pour in I had about 15 people there not including my husband, myself, and the nurses.  My doctor came in, I met my anesthesiologist and it was time to go and get my spinal *which was the part I was the most nervous for* walking into the OR was so weird it was cold and sterile and I really thought I was going to pass out at that point.  They had some trouble with my spinal and I ended up having more medication than normal them trying to give me my spinal actually took longer than the Cesarian itself.  I'm very thankful I didn't have to be put all the way out though, then my doctor came in and the ball started rolling suddenly the drugs kicked in and I was Gone I felt very nauseous but the anesthesiologist took care of that quickly enough then they brought my husband in and suddenly I was thinking "I'm open on the other side of this curtain...weird" I didn't let myself talk to him or anything I just sat there and did some thinking.  The weirdest part was actually feeling it when they took the baby out all the pressure and weight was just lifted out of me.  The doctor said "here she is and look her eyes are already wide open!" *then I also heard "Man look at that placenta!" ...that's nice lol* they cleaned her up and laid her directly on my face which I honestly loved every second of.  My husband was right there by my face as well and I just got to feel her and hear her little cry she even put her little fingers in my mouth I honestly felt like I was absorbing her into my heart it was a magical moment *that I actually have a photo of thanks to the anesthesiologist that I'll share later* and I will never forget a second of it.  Abigail Nancy Dianna Lester was born on February 12th 2013 at 2:37pm and weighed 8lbs and 9oz and was 19 1/2 inches long.

True Love

My husband and I woke up this morning to the irritating alarm blaring, he turned it off and crawled back in bed and we both just stayed under the covers deciding to lay there for a few more minutes before getting up and getting him off to work.  He came up behind me and pulled me close and said "come here and let me hold my girls before I gotta go" and he wrapped his arms around me *and my ever growing 37 weeks pregnant belly* and rubbed my stomach and we just stayed like that for a bit.  Little moments like that I want to remember forever and so I figured I should do a little post about it, just for me really to make sure I never forget.  Sometimes I think the best memories are the ones you aren't able to capture with a camera.

Two years

It's been two years today.  Two years since Stephen lost his best friend, his battle buddy, his brother.  PFC Conrado Javier was KIA in Afghanistan in 2010 during their first deployment.  Javi was a sweetheart he was a little quiet and shy at first but when he got used to you or was around his friends he was hilarious and always making jokes.  His favorite thing to say was "That's badass!" you heard it All.The.Time. lol he wasn't only my husband's friend I considered us good friend's as well.  He always helped my husband and I when we would argue or have a misunderstanding he knew how Stephen was being affected by the way and he always took the time to make sure I knew that he loved me and just told me to hang in there for him.  He was a light to everyone he knew.  I was able to attend his funeral in his hometown in CA in January of the following year.  It was by far the hardest funeral I've ever been to.  I was very glad though to speak to his mother and hug her and just be with her for a few moments though we couldn't understand each other very well *she speaks Spanish I speak English* but the language difference didn't matter we didn't need words we just knew and we just held onto each other for awhile and we cried together.  It was beautiful ceremony I think about 500 people were there.  The graveside service was just as moving, I can't hear Taps without crying now.  My husband won't ever forget, he won't ever stop talking about him or thinking about him and I'm glad.  He was an important part of his life much more important than I can understand and sometimes I don't think wives can ever really fathom how important that one friend can be to them during a deployment like they went through.  And that's ok I'm just so glad they had each other as long as they did.  

Please if you're reading this today please send a prayer up for Javi's family this day cannot be an easy one for them no matter how much time has passed.  Thank you.

RIP Javier

My biggest fear

Michael and Matthew on a day we all went to the Bakery, they just loved it!

I've never written a blog post about this particular subject,  for a while I started a little series about fear and really it was just to lead me up to writing this post about my brothers.

I figure that this blog is really just an online journal of sorts, and this just happens to be one of those times that I've been slacking in reading my bible and in my prayer so I'm feeling pretty weak spiritually.  So this worry seems to be rearing it's ugly head.  And I feel the need to let it out here because Unfortunately we're human so fear creeps in, tearing us down as we let ourselves become weaker with every worry and every second of our lives we waste on worry, fear, on the 'unknown' we lose as opportunity to love, to see our blessings, to Thank God, and to trust in him

My baby brothers are autistic, Michael is 17 and functions at about a 12yr old level but he's in the body of an 18yr old that's a hard place to be stuck at.  Matthew is mentally a 2yr  old and can't speak at all he's also physically 18...they're both practically men.  I love them with everything I have and they are two of the most important parts of my life.

Michael, Stephen, and Matthew being goofy

As my little brother Michael who isn't so little anymore  sits across from me and cries about one of his 'regular' classes in school *it's drama and he's the only special needs child in the high school class of juniors and sophomores  and tells me how he was assigned to be in a certain group and got his part but the other kids decided they didn't want him to play that part and said he could just watch they gave it to a different guy and he ran out of the room and cried in the bathroom for awhile he told me he felt betrayed.  It's so hard not to by angry and hateful to these high school kids for hurting my baby.  i want to go in and demand the teacher do something that these kids apologize and accept him, but he tells me they did apologize and begged him to come back he said he likes class and he likes monologues but he doesn't ever want to be in a group again.  I asked if we should talk to the teacher and he informs me that this happened 'years' ago well years to Michael is actually about 3 months and he was over it but something on tv brought it up and made him sad so he just needed to talk about it.  Part of me is so happy and always a bit amazed that he's just so normal sometimes he feels hurt, he has memories of bad school days, just like I do.  And sometimes he doesn't need mom, dad, or myself to rush in and fix it sometimes he just needs someone to listen.

Stephen, Myself, and Michael being funny before a movie

But when he walks away is when I really break down and just cry, how can those kids be like this?  How can I be so angry with them?  I just want to wrap him up and keep him safe from everything part of me wishes he wouldn't grow up so he won't have to deal with the harder parts of life.  And it's so hard trying to make sure I hold my feelings in check and make sure he's all right and understands kids don't mean it usually and that forgiving them is the best thing to do.

Mommy and her babies

I'm scared of my brothers growing up.  I'm scared of what happens to them and us when one or both of my parents pass away.  I'm not scared to be without my parents I know they'll be in a better place but how do I explain it to my brothers?  I know michael will understand but will he ever get over it?  Or used to them not being there?  Will he be ok?  My main concern is Matthew, now if mom isn't home he goes and waits out on the swing for her until she comes home he'll wait for hours in the dark if he has to...how do I tell him mommy or daddy isn't coming home?  He loves them so much.  He's our baby!  I don't want him to feel confused or abandoned.  He's not stupid he'll know they're gone.  How do I deal with that?  I want them to just be happy that's the most important thing to me. But I live in fear of the day Mama or daddy won't be coming home and Matthew will cry.  What will I do then?

From left; Matthew, Michael, Our father Kelly, and my husband Stephen

I don't have answers for any of these worries or questions.  i don't bring them up to my parents because I don't want them to ever worry about it.  My husband has no answers all he says he can do is be there for me, and for us.  I know I could probably go talk to someone about it and as my parents get older I know I'll probably need to talk to my pastor or a christian counselor.  But really nobody can tell me what exactly to do, or how to handle any of it, nobody can give me what I crave as a human...control.  That's the reality of it I want to be sure and positive and  have control.  But I'll never have that, God has control.  It is all in his hands.  This should be a huge comfort to me as a Christian.  But sometimes it's not, sometimes like tonight I just seem to let it all get to me.  I've never written about any of this on my blog or confided in anyone but my husband and the Lord about how I feel.

all 3 of them, husband and brothers are zonked by the tv lol

Fear is letting satan control you and your life it's really giving him that power over you, even though God is always in control you can make the choice to live in the present in a positive place and live with knowing that God is always in control and that he loves and cares for you and will be there through all the ups and downs in your life.  He knows how your life will turn out..nothing is new or unexpected to him.  He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end...and with him in control what is there to fear?

Dad and Michael, almost the same height...so unbelievable

But I want to make it known that Michael and Matthew are the biggest blessings of our lives.  They are constant reminders of the faith of children and how important the little ones are to Jesus Christ.  Take Matthew, he can't speak.  He is mentally a toddler...and he's really always happy.  He has no worries, he sleeps like a baby.  Because he has faith that he will always be cared for...and he will.  He has no reason to doubt that just like we have no reason to doubt Jesus' love for us and no reason to doubt that it is all in his hands and we will always be taken care of.

So thanks for reading, I appreciate getting to get it all off my chest it kind of puts it all in perspective...Luke 12:22-34 helps a lot to, it's all about worrying and exactly what Jesus had to say about it.  I highly suggest giving it a read!

I've been kicked out

...of my house.  Because apparently paint fumes aren't good for pregnant women.  Which I totally get and I want the absolute best for my little one but I'm having a darn hard time letting go.  You see we're in the process of painting our room.  And it sucks.  I want to be in there taping things off and painting like a crazy woman to get it all done!  But unfortunately I cannot.  And even more unfortunate, my husband can't paint worth a darn.  And I mean that in a loving way.  You see my father and mother have always told me that in every marriage there is one who is a good painter and the other is usually a spazzy slob.  And my darling dearest is the spazziest and slob doesn't even cover it.

So in the Lester household we are currently

 Under Construction

it really sucks being sent out of my house.  I want to help so badly.  It is frustrating and overwhelming.  But I'm trying really hard not to discourage him and point out the spots he's missed or where he's laying it on much to thick.  I'm trying to just have faith it'll come together in the end.  But today husband and I decided Picasso needed a little break.  

So I'm patiently waiting for this room to come together.  And trying not to shoot the man I love and hopefully I'm going to be able to start working on some other projects now to keep me busy and from constantly going out and checking up on him and the painting and all that.

See I just wanted to share the photographic evidence of my husband's severe lack of painting skills.  In other news I'm really thrilled with the color we picked to cover up the weird blue-gray color.

...look how  proud he looks..ugh.

A Catch up post

 Via

Well the last few days have been all kinds of fun, busy, and disturbingly Hot!  Apparently this weekend will be the hottest we've had in 6 years!  I can't even imagine, since becoming pregnant my tolerance for hot weather *which has never been very good I'm a fall/winter/spring girl all the way* has pretty much gone down to Zero. 

 Via

Well Wednesday was just about the best girls day Ever and I am completely and totally sure of that because I enjoyed myself So much I forgot to take Any pictures, seriously not one I don't even think I pulled out my phone.  It started out with mom and I getting ready and husband bringing us burger king breakfast *can you say guilty pleasure?* then we headed over to my aunt Dianna's house and we all piled in her van after hugging and laughing *when we're together we sound like the witches from Macbeth cackling and stuff except we sound like we've also been smoking for 40+ years when none of us has ever smoked lol* and oohing and ahhing over each others clothes and hair and what not.  We then went to a quick lunch to Strings for some awesome Italian food and as usual great service *I am there to much the waitress had no problem touching my stomach as soon as we told her I was pregnant and telling me to bring sonogram pictures next time* after completely Stuffing ourselves we got to our real destination the little beauty supply store that also sells Miche Bags it turns out Miche is going back to only parties and online sales so everything was 40% Off we were sooo excited we each ended up getting a purse and a cover at a crazy good bargain!  I have to say a HUGE thank you to my mommy who got me mine she is so sweet!

This is a really bad picture of my Miche with the cover on, I Love it!  A better one will come!

Then we went to a book store, thrift store, walmart and did a little shopping, Kmart, then Lowes to get me an Air Conditioner *because ya know I'm a grown up now* after that we decided to drive an extra hour just to see a movie!  We got there in plenty of time to get movie snacks like nachos, popcorn, and soda.  And saw the most amazing movie, it was so sweet and so good!  Perfect for any married couple, girls our with their friends, or anyone who is likes to see a real marriage portrayed and see what it takes to keep a real marriage going we saw the film...

Hope Springs

 

Via 

Another amazing Meryl Streep movie and Tommy Lee Jones was as fabulous as always!  Steve Carrell was hilarious and just perfect for the part he played.  You laughed, you maybe cried, you walked away touched with a perfect sense of what real Love is.  That it's not just fuzzy feelings and chemistry, it's hard work, forgiveness, respect, listening, and most of all commitment.  Not just commitment not to cheat or do someone wrong but commitment to work through any problem or obstacle that comes your way.

 

We ended the night with a couple quick stops at Marshalls and Ross, it was an amazing laughter filled day and night with my two best friends ♥

Via

Now today my dad and my husband are hooking up our brand new air conditioner and thoroughly destroying my house...but that's ok lol anything to help with 107 degree days.  Stephen and I have a big to do list today we're going down to the bay area tonight and staying in a hotel and then tomorrow morning going to Mountain View where he does his Reserve duty for 'Family Day' on our extremely limited budget.  Now I've never actually been able to go to any family day like events while he's been in the military because I was almost always a few continents away.  I'm very very nervous but so happy that I can be there for him.  I just want to make him proud and fit in as normally as possible.  Standing out can be bad lol.  But also I'm a little nervous because he wants to try and stay the whole time from 9-3 because he feels weird about leaving early *I'm pretty sure they wouldn't stone him or anything but hey I'd be a bit nervous to if I was still the new guy* but I have to look at this realistically I'm like 4 months pregnant I get hot Very easily and that's quite a while to be outside for me, and not only that but I tend to get sick...All.The.Time. I just don't want to embarrass him, I want to be a help not a hindrance.  So I would really appreciate some prayers!

A pregnancy scare

Not that kind. I am pregnant, but I keep having a miscarriage scare. I've been something-less-than-spotting the past couple days since the doctor did a vaginal sonogram on me. Tonight it was a bit heavier but it's still not spotting. I'm freaked out and scared I'm not in any other kind of pain or discomfort and there's nothing on my underwear. Maybe I'm paranoid? All I know is I want to cry. I want these scares to be over. I know it's in God's hands and it's happening for a reason but I want a healthy baby so much. When I saw the spot on the toilet paper I almost passed out I thought it was over and now it's back my mouth went dry and I was just fighting back the tears. To a newly first time pregnant girl who has been hearing miscarriage stories lately and has a mother who lost her first baby that little spot may as well be a death sentence. It has the ability to bring me to my knees in fear and frustration. I'm having flashes in my mind of waking up in the morning covered in blood wondering what I'm going to do? I'm trying to refrain from going to the bathroom and wiping repeatedly until I get the results I want. But thats not how this works.

If I am miscarrying if I am bleeding all over. I'll know, I'll find/figure it out and I'll go to the ER tonight {or whenever} if it's not if it's just a part of being pregnant of a side effect from the vaginal irritation that took place then thats ok

But no matter what I just need to stop. And breathe. And pray. Because it's in his hands I need to wait and trust in my heavenly father.

Pray for mr? Thank you.'

The Army and the Choices we make

Today I am ridiculously confused and conflicted.  If you didn't know my husband just recently got out of the Army *active duty* and got back from where he's been stationed for the 3yrs he'd been in *Germany*.  We thought we were Done with the Military, with the Army, with deployments, with it all.  We were civilians!  And while it's taken some getting used to it's been great so far, different and we've both had some major adjustments but like I said it's been great so far.  He has some PTSD issues and those are always hard to deal with, we've had to get to know each other again and get used to living together *for the first time in our 3yrs of marriage*.  For me the biggest adjustments where not worrying about him leaving or going back, and the loss of community.  Everyone is all about you when you're an Army Wife.  I had a group on facebook called Hero's Honeys *if you're a military spouse or girlfriend or fiance reading this go request a membership it's wonderful* there were about 400 women in it.  All different branches and my lovely friend Daniella and I were able to keep it 100% drama free which is what we really wanted out of a group.  Well I'm not an Army wife anymore *I'm a veteran's wife* and it feels like some military spouses treat me differently now, my experiences have not changed.  I haven't changed but to them I'm not apart of their world anymore.  And it hurts.  In a way it's also quite funny if I try and offer advice about deployment they kind of shake it off.  It's very hurtful.  And that's been my real struggle with it the loss of a community that I had relied on so heavily while my husband and I were Army.  Well we had his muster duty appointment yesterday and we went in.  The Sgt. that helped us was very nice and he talked to my husband about some choices that he has and different options.

It's looking like my husband is going to join the Army Reserves.  And I don't know how I feel about it.  The positives, pluses, and pro's are amazing and numerous.  But the one and only big negative is that he signs up for 5years.  He has 2years where they can not mobilize him, and 3 chances to deploy again.  My husband had a very hard deployment.  I don't go into details much or talk about it a lot but when I see women talking and complaining about only being able to talk to their husbands on the internet or get a few calls a week or the fact that his mail gets their late or that the FOB he's on is miserable, I wish my husband had that.  He was a tanker, he had a combat MOS.  Where he was at food had to be air dropped to them they ate the same thing everyday for 6 months if I was lucky we'd talk every 3months.  To many of his friends died.  There were to many times he almost died.  So when some woman tries to say I may not really understand about deployments because I'm not an Army wife anymore I get quite offended *sorry different post*.  something else that always shocked me that we civilians totally take for granted...he was not able to wash his ACU's for almost 9months.  The same clothes Everyday  For 9 months. It's hard for me not think wow y'all are lucky when I hear friends talk about 3&6 month deployments I'm like wow! *the poor army has the longest deployments of any branch*

Now please know I'm not belittling anyone's deployment experience no 2deployments are alike everyone has a different MOS everyone is somewhere else.  And who am I to say that my hardships or sorrows are worse than another?  We each have our own.  I'm also not saying I know everything  about deployments.  I know precious little compared to some.  But I know how it affected my husband and myself.  And that's what I'm speaking from.  So I sincerely hope nobody is offended by this stressed out, worried, and tragically-right-before-my-period post of of mine.

It's just had for me to deal with the fact right now that his MOS would change from a combat MOS, his job would change he'd be doing something in an office, the deployment would be shorter, it wouldn't be like the first time.  Wrapping my head around that is difficult.  When  I think deployment I think no communication, I think anger, I think fights, I think us having the worst time of it ever and not being able to communicate, I think of his mail not even being able to get where he was.  I think of our friends dying.  I think of him going on missions all the time, of them doing whatever they could to stay awake.  I'm thinking of all the time he ALMOST didn't make it home.  And I can't say "I don't think I could do it again" because I will ALWAYS do what I have to do.  I'm his wife, and no matter what my status is now, I am an Army wife.  And  we always have been and always will be Army.  But it's scary and it hurts to think about it all.  But we're going to do it.  Mostly because I saw my husband's eyes light up when the man was telling us about it.  I know that he loves to take care of his family, he loves to have a job he can do well, that he can be proud of, he knows how to do the Army.  It's been his life for so long 24/7 that I don't even think he realizes how much it's become apart of him.  Well no matter what happens I'll stand by his decision.  I just had to get all this out.

  And end it with a little reminder that no matter where he is or what we are dealing with we love each other, love the Lord, and will be ok, we're blessed to have a God that will always provide and never give us more than we can handle ♥

Good Morning

Do you ever just wake up with the urge to make today amazing? To make good decisions and choices? Not just ones that you will enjoy but ones that are good for you? And for the people around you? Do you ever get tired of letting things get to you and get you down? Sometimes in the morning when I wake up I just want to make the day wonderful. And sadly I usually fall short on this ambition. But not today, today I am going to Do ...I'll let you know how it went later! Read this poem and watch this video and I hope it sets a good tone for your morning, and your entire day! God Bless! And remember today to...

A Sure Way To A Happy Day

Happiness is something

we create in our mind,

It's not something you search for

and so seldom find

It's just waking up

and begining the day

By Counting our Blessings

and kneeling to Pray

It's giving up thoughts

that breed discontent

And accepting what comes

as a 'gift heaven-sent'

It's giving up wishing

for things we have not

And making the best of

whatever we've got

It's knowing that life

is determined for us,

And pursuing our tasks

without fret, fume, or fuss

For it's by completing

what God gives us to do

That we find real contentment

and happiness to.

By, Helen Steiner Rice

Inspiration

 Lately I've been a bit over emotional, it's that lovely female time right now which I'm sure has a LOT to do with it.  It's also the stress of our entire lives changing, I'm not going to go into details but lately I've been reading the bible every day I'm proud of myself and my goal is to finish the bible in a year.  Right now I'm in Leviticus and it is making me feel BAD I mean the old testament day after day can be kind of hard to read when it's not going into insane detail about what Aaron's robes would look like it's talking about the evils of the Hebrews and all the horrible things they did, and then talking about what they aren't to do and what happens if they do it.  But I think as a Christian it's good to not just focus on the 'happy' parts of the bible the really good parts like when Jesus is born, or when he forgives us for our sins, basically not just the new testament.  I mean I was literally chomping down on a piece of bacon when the Lord is telling them they can't have anything to do with pigs!  I just felt guilty *but not guilty enough to put the bacon down, ahem* but I find now I'm having to stop and remind myself  the following;

1) this is the old testament things are a lot different than the new testament 

2) It's good for me to be well rounded and aware of whats actually in the bible 

 3) I am not Jewish so I can eat bacon guilt free.  

I was also just getting SO bogged down in thinking of who I used to be and how I used to be, up until I had my big moment with the holy spirit and my life was turned around and I was changed *Thank The LORD* but instead of focusing on how the Lord has changed me and worked in my life since then and how strong I've become in him...I was thinking of all the mistakes I made all the horrible things I've done and just feeling guilty and horrid about myself...just horrible.  And then I read a couple blogs and stumbled on a verse that really spoke to me, it amazes me how easily I can forget sometime that God knows exactly what you need and exactly when you need it.

This is the verse I 'found'  Hebrews 12:5 "and you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons: "my son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him."

 I also stumbled on a Japanese proverb this morning that I adore...

 "When you stumble don't get up empty handed"

I've never read this verse before but I love it.  What I took from it was that even if you are being rebuked by the Lord it doesn't mean he loves you any less.  Don't get discouraged and fall apart because you make a mistake.  Just learn from it.

Krista over at Life is the messy bits had a great post today that just inspired me and made me really think about how today and everyday is a blessing and a gift from our Lord and that it's all in his hands and worrying about the little earthly things will do nothing good for you.  Check out her blog it is fantastic!

And then there is Hailey, I've never actually talked to Hailey and I'm a new follower over on her blog Coastal Heart, Country Soul *and I'm loving it* and her post really touched me today and just totally echoed a lot of the same feelings that I have this is one of my favorite quotes from her post "I have made mistakes I wish I could undo, I have ventured where I wish I had never gone... but it doesn't matter in God's eyes. His grace has covered it all. My brokenness is made new. His love remains the same." - Hailey, from Coastal Heart Country Soul 

what she wrote just floored me.  That is exactly what I was crying about this morning what I was tearing myself up about.  And she pointed out for me what I just couldn't see this morning that God has forgiven me, that his son died on the cross so my sins would be erased.  And as a human being it is SO hard for me to just Let It Go and give it to God I just keep holding onto  my mistakes and keep letting them ruin me and run me down and that is Not what God wants for my life.  I need to remind myself that was the old me, that's me before I was saved.  Before I had forgiveness, before I realized the Love that God has for me.

so Yes.  I've made my mistakes, but they've been forgiven and I've been given a new life and I'm doing myself and the Lord a disservice if I keep clinging to my old life and old mistakes I need to live for the Lord and show him how thankful I am for this second chance at a beautiful and blessed life.

The List

So,  This is emberassing.  Emberassing and oh so necessary.  Since my husband has been home I've been so happy and just in about the best place mentally, spiritually, and physically that I've been in since we got married!  But creatively...uhmm kind of another story.  He has inspired me to start all of these amazing projects, I've gotten awesome blog ideas, even gotten into some lovely thrift store item-transformations!  It sounds great right?!  Right?!  Yes.  But the real problem is that I'm...not...finishing...Anything.  It's ridiculous I've finished One thing since he has been home.  Just One.  And it is driving me nuts I am not a girl that can leave things half done, or start a project knowing I don't have all the materials and just go 'oh I'll finish it later' ...that is just not how I opperate.  It is now officially starting to take it's toll on me.  I can't seem to get my head on straight and make the lists I need to *because I need a list to get Anything done* so I thought

'hey why not do a quick post about it instead of crying into your tea about what a failure you are?'

So here we are!  I am sucking down my relaxing tea mix of sleepytime green and honey-Chamomille-Vanilla in my pretty little white & blue cup and just trying to breathe and not concentrate on the havoc that is taking place around me.  And now I am going to start...The List.

The List

*This list is not including any blog ideas in my head or any day to day stuff UGH* 

I need to print out a really creative picture I found online and put it by my desk for inspiration

make an Arkansas state tribute to our family there and hang it up somewhere

Hang up the sign I have from our storage shed

Hang up the painting I got at walmart

Put all the extra stuff back in our storage shed

make old-fashioned scrapbook

make a new picture frame with my dad

make a sign about 'no shoes' for our soon-to-be-front porch

paint new tea bucket

re-paint 3 tiered sign

hang up new curtain

clean up and paint (with chalkboard paint?) old coffee pot

Paint new veggie box

hang up planter outside

clean out our drawers in our room move ALL his stuff outside in them, go through ALL my clothes and find out which ones I'm going to keep and get rid of and organize them A LOT better (no more giant piles of clothes hopefully)

sand paper little basket and paint it

Re-do desk (sand and paint) and then figure out creative ways to handle all the freaking clutter on it

get paint and fix all spots on the walls

get paint and fix the loft

...Wish me luck?  Any creative projects going on with you?  Anything you have to get to that you're having a hard time with?

Also I am going to check back at the begining and end of next week with you guys and see how I've done with this list!

Bits & Pieces

Here are some bits and pieces from our weekend, photos, words of wisdom, happy moments, just this and that...Hope you enjoy!

My mom snapped this picture when we weren't looking (obviously) this is us on the ranch standing on an old stump for no reason at all lol and I decided to pair it with my favorite quote from Pride and Prejudice, it's the one that reminds me the most of my husband and I.

I snapped this today while my the husband was out working on the fence with the rest of the guys, I had just finished cleaning up the house and was just loving the smell of clean room, lemon floor cleaner, candles that smell like cotton, and my tea.  I was also thinking of how much I absolutely adore Pride&Prejudice and how sweet and calming it is to drink my tea while watching those adorable little cartoons of Beatrix Potter's.

...And of course we had to pose for just one lol!  The quote is from a Miriam Stockley song that we love to play while we're driving in the rain.

I LOVE having my husband home, he insists on driving!  And while it is hard for me to give up the control once I stop twitching and start looking out the windows I get to see all the small beautiful things I always have to miss!  Like this old barn in a field by our house...absolutely beautiful!  Luckily my honey doesn't mind pulling over so I can take *better* pictures!

ahhhh the one of the funnier parts of this weekend!  Meet my husband's arch nemisis...THE SHOPPING LIST!  We made a quick trip to the store before dinner *which means I had to stay in the car so it would actually be cheaper quick* and I handed him his list and he snorted and said "Really?  It's like 5 things you think I can't remember 5 things?"...well here is how it went once he was back in the car with the bags...

Him: *as he tosses the now crumpled list at me* "I was in and out in under 10 minutes you females I don't understand what takes you SO long or why it's so hard for y'all to get in and out *yes he is looking SUPER smug right about now* oh and that list?  I didn't need it at all...well maybe a little but not really"
Me: "yeah babe you're AMAZING...did you get the coffee creamer?"
<Insert Awkward Silence>
Him: "F***!!!!!"
Me: *looking super SMUG   Understanding* "Maybe you needed it a liiiiiitttle more than a little bit?"

...Could you hear the car door slamming and him grumbling where you're at?...I bet you could! HAH!...I laugh with Love though don't worry!


And My favorite quotes of this weekend are...


"If you're to busy for God, then it's time to change your schedule"-Joyce Meyer
...you can totally expect a longer more in depth post on that quote later this week

"I hold an old fashioned notion that a happy marriage is the crown of a woman's life"-Beatrix Potter

...So How was your weekend?

The bedding crisis has been HANDLED!

So, as you may or may not remember not so long ago we had a Massive Bedding Crisis the material our bedding was made of just caused everything to stick to it...ugh!  and It was just a little to dark for our fresh new look.  So with the oppinions of a few of you Lovelyyy ladies and an amazing price from Overstock.com and really just a deal I could not pass up I chose our current bed set...a 25 piece room set for 100 dollars!

And I thought maybe y'all would like to see it...so here ya are...what do ya think?

this isn't all of it just the comforter and all the beautiful pillows!  The white throw is from pier 1

I really am crazy about the colors the yellows and blues!  And even the light browns!  Also I was shocked when I got it because it looks NOTHING like the picture on the website and I like it SO much more than I thought I was going to!



So thank you for reading, and to the ladies who gave their oppinions on my previous post THANK YOU for steering me in the right direction!  We couldn't be happier!

Thankful (Day 13)

Today I'm thankful once again, for my husband. My best friend. He's so much more than I ever dreamed I would have or what I wanted. I didn't know what I really needed until God brought Stephen into my life ... <3 ... My husband lives in Germany and I got a call at 2:35 AM last night and was woken up out of an amazing sleep because he missed me, and just wanted to say 'I love you' and I was so warmed by the sound of his voice it did not matter at all I instantly turned into a cuddle monster lol! Without him here of course I just talked with him an listened to his voice and cuddled with my body pillow lol, so I'm Thankful for my husband and his sticky sweet southern drawl that wakes my California-butt up just about every morning :)

And the picture below is one of my favorites we took it in Arkansas when we visited

Do you have anything your thankful for today? A husband or boyfriend? A fiancé? Does he do something special for you that you would sometimes take for granted?