Breastfeeding

The above photo is definitely not the best of me, but any photo with my daughter in it is beautiful as far as I'm concerned.  And this one is very special because it just reminds me of breastfeeding her in the hospital and all the amazing emotions and feelings that go along with that beautiful and special act.  I wanted to breastfeed my daughter so badly and made that clear all throughout my pregnancy, but I also wanted to do a completely natural birth so I know things don't work out as we expect most of the time.  Breastfeeding in the hospital was difficult to say the least.  I was so out of it from the surgery and my poor husband doesn't know anything about breastfeeding that we weren't very good at helping the little lady figure it out.  I'd nursed her successfully for over an hour right after surgery and even in my drugged up state of mind it was beautiful and special.  I loved that her daddy was right there helping me, it was just the 3 of us and yet it was also just her and I.  I felt so bonded to her and as cliche as it sounds I just felt this pure and amazing love flowing back forth between us.  Abby had a hard time latching on and Stephen had I hard time getting her to suck at all *she liked to fall asleep* by the time she was out of the hospital she'd lost 9oz which was kind of a lot and they were telling me she needed to eat more and I asked to give her a bottle breastfeeding wasn't as important as my daughter getting enough to eat that was the priority!  But the nurses wouldn't let me and that really bothered me.  I gave her formula the day we got home from the hospital and she was so hungry!  It broke my heart for my baby!  After that we tried to get her to breastfeed sometimes we were successful sometimes we weren't but it was always such a frustrating and usually discouraging battle I just started to pump and gave it to her in a bottle and that worked fine...until it didn't.  Having a cesarean and a newborn is very hard, my husband gets up at 4am to go to work so he's in bed at 8 and that leaves me to take care of our little girl and it got really difficult for me to pump and be up with her all night because inevitably at the time I would need to pump she would just have fallen asleep and so I was losing precious sleep time.  It got to be discouraging, stressful, and without the sleep I needed I was definitely headed towards depression and that is something nobody wants.  So I've finally decided to stop.  She's now a formula baby, and I'm starting to feel a lot better.  She was breastfed for two weeks which is better than nothing, and in my opinion a healthy mother is an important thing for a baby to have.  But I did breastfeed her one last time and she actually latched and sucked for a good long while, her daddy held her up to my breast and I cried with a smile on my face the whole time.  I wish I could've done it longer but I had a decision to make and I'm confident I made the right one for our family.  I will say thought that breastfeeding is a beautiful and wonderful thing and I wouldn't trade those moments with my daughter for anything in the world.

Facebook

So I deleted my facebook well over a year ago, actually almost two I think.  It's been nice not having it!  So so nice.  But sometimes I miss it, today I'm kind of missing it.  I'm thinking about how I'd like to put up pregnancy pictures, and ones of us for the family to see.  And how much I miss my Hero's Honey group!  They were such a good support system!  I miss being able to just talk with them all.  I've been debating getting facebook again...maybe just military friends and family?  No old 'friends' from high school or random acquaintances.  Maybe a facebook for husband and I to share stuff with our family.  But I am a little concerned.  What if I can't stay off of it?  I had a problem at one time...a B-I-G problem!  Yes that problem came after he'd been deployed so I was used to ALWAYS being on it.  But maybe now that he's home I can give it another go? hmmmmmm

A bridal shower

I haven't blogged in quite a while, but if I'm not feeling moved to then I probably shouldn't because it won't come out how I want it to or how I need it to!  I'm trying to just go with the flow lately and I'm much happier for it *but more on that later* a few weeks ago a dear friend of mine called and informed me that I would be her matron of honor at her upcoming wedding!  Now the last time I was in a wedding party I was 8yrs old and had a pretty little basket to carry lol.  So I've been Very nervous about doing this for her.  And that means stress as well.  I want this to be wonderful for her, and amazing, But I don't want it to destroy me, my mother *who is always my right hand woman*, or our poor husband's that inevitably get caught up in the cross fire.  I also want to enjoy this time with my friend as well and get to meet some more lovely ladies!  That is a lot of wants, wishes, and expectations for one small event.  One of my big worries is money, my husband and I are doing just fine and he's finally getting unemployment which is a blessing beyond belief!  But I need to make my pennies stretch for this!  I feel weird asking the other bridesmaids to help *there's only 3more and I know none of them probably have the money to spare* so I feel like if I can pull it off myself I should. 

Thankfully the guest list isn't huge at all and definitely manageable  

so what I want to know is do any of you have budget friendly tips for bridal showers?  Decorations?  Food?  Venue?  Anything?  Anybody done this before?  Is there anything you wish you would've done differently?

Fear #2 - My Body

Well my fear #2...it's taken me long enough to write this wow!  But it took me awhile to figure out what to share and what not to share, how I really felt about it all, and just all those different kind of extremely personal and uncomfortable things.

I'm 5'5 and I am overweight.  I've always been big boned *no really my family is huge, my grandmother is almost 6ft* and I never really had a problem with it.  I'm plus sized, and that's ok with me.  It's also apparently ok with the doctor he's always so surprised at how healthy I am.  Just because your fat does not mean you're unhealthy.  I exercise, drink water, stay away from soda for the most part, don't smoke, or drink really, I eat veggies like a rabbit, and don't really go in for sweets.  My blood pressure, cholesterol, all of it is amazing.  I get an A+ every time!  I just wanted to clear that up for some people, just because you are bigger does NOT mean you are ridiculously unhealthy.  But anyway I'm a big girl, over the years I've come to the realization that I'm not meant to be thin *though I could definitely be smaller* and that I actually love my body.  I love that I'm curvy and round and soft.  That's what I've always thought of when I've thought of how a woman.  But that's just me and that's just what I want for myself.  Everyone knows whats best for themselves.

Over the years I've been teased about my weight and how big I am and in high school I was painfully shy because I felt so insecure.  It makes me sad though that thin people are made to feel the same way!  So I'm not saying that it's skinny people's fault and they're disgusting and horrible and blah blah whatever else bitter, mean, and negative people say to make themselves feel better.  If one of my friends who happens to be on the thin side says "I feel so fat I'm going on a diet" I don't start attacking her and asking why she'd do such a thing, etc. I saw oh yeah?  What kind?  I make sure to let her know she's beautiful just the way she is but if that's her choice that's her choice I'm going to support her!  But what was starting to happen with me was, I felt horrible All the time.  I didn't want to go anywhere at all.  I was feeling sluggish and embarrassed just to go outside and be seen *which was ridiculous nobody can tell when I gain weight except me really* at all.  I was so unhappy with myself I was projecting it off onto my poor husband who to his credit always loves, cherishes, and makes me feel beautiful *no matter what reality is actually looking like* but it was horrible.  I didn't want to have sex, do anything anywhere, I got depressed *which isn't surprising my family has a long history of depression and I was diagnosed during deployment* and that's was when I got snapped back to reality.  The Lord always brings me back when I feel like I'm just about done.  It's usually the thought of medication that makes me realize I'm getting in a little deep.  First off there is NOTHING wrong with medication for depression nothing at all.  For myself I'm trying to wait as long as humanly possible before going on it.  Although at some point I know I will need to.  My husband and I are just living together for more than a month for the first time in 3years and I want us to get used to each other without the added stress of finding a medicine that works for me and dealing with all kind of side affects.  I can keep it under control now with the help of the Lord, a supporting family, and a healthy lifestyle for me really makes all the difference.  So that was another drive there.  The depression and how it really affects everyone around you, my body, and just how I felt everyday finally pushed me to get off the bed and go for a walk.  This all started with a walk, I guess you can say it started with one step...♥

I became uncomfortable and unhappy with my weight again around the end of 2010 and then 2011 was just miserable.  My husband deployed and I found out I'm a stress eater I gained 22 pounds and I don't want to know how many inches.  He's home now and I'm finally in a place in my life where that kind of damaging stress is almost non-existent *compared to what it was anyway* and I want to do something about how I feel.  I'd love to fit into all my old clothes, but I'd really just like to Feel better.  My ultimate goal is to lose the deployment weight.  And to fit into those old jeans!  I'm not giving myself a set time because I think that is setting myself up for failure.  Over the years I've found diets don't work for me.  So I'm trying to do this differently.  I'm tackling one change at a time.  The first is exercise *and for me it's the most important* I've been doing PT with my husband everyday *except Saturday and Sunday* and I'm feeling wonderful!  Although Saturdays I'm going to start doing a workout video instead of just taking the day off.  My goal is to get comfortable working out everyday.  To get it to become a habit, a part of my schedule.  I've lost Two of those deployment pounds already and that feels spectacular!  I've decided to push myself a little, on the 17th it will be exactly a month until our trip to Nevada for a cousin's wedding and small family reunion.  A fun two trip for husband and I and the first time he's meeting that side of the family *no pressure AT ALL none whatsoever* so on the 17th *in two days* I'm going to start counting my calories again and trying my hardest to stick to it!  I want to see if I'll be able to see and feel a difference in a month of working out and eating right.  I'm not going to deprive myself because that just doesn't work for me.  So myfitnesspal is going to become my new best friend.  I'd love to feel my best on this trip and with summer coming it's just one incentive after another!  My husband is super supportive because since he signed up for the reserves  he wants to get back into PT and it's really awesome working out with him he knows just how to push me and encourage me!  My big problem with losing weight is I usually go really extreme for a few days then completely burnout and that's bad and it never works so I'm trying to go slow and steady and make positive changes that are going to stick with me!

this is me after losing that 2lbs and fitting into a shirt I haven't been able to wear in almost 3 years!

All of these photos *and more* are available on my pinterest board Being Helthy

The Army and the Choices we make

Today I am ridiculously confused and conflicted.  If you didn't know my husband just recently got out of the Army *active duty* and got back from where he's been stationed for the 3yrs he'd been in *Germany*.  We thought we were Done with the Military, with the Army, with deployments, with it all.  We were civilians!  And while it's taken some getting used to it's been great so far, different and we've both had some major adjustments but like I said it's been great so far.  He has some PTSD issues and those are always hard to deal with, we've had to get to know each other again and get used to living together *for the first time in our 3yrs of marriage*.  For me the biggest adjustments where not worrying about him leaving or going back, and the loss of community.  Everyone is all about you when you're an Army Wife.  I had a group on facebook called Hero's Honeys *if you're a military spouse or girlfriend or fiance reading this go request a membership it's wonderful* there were about 400 women in it.  All different branches and my lovely friend Daniella and I were able to keep it 100% drama free which is what we really wanted out of a group.  Well I'm not an Army wife anymore *I'm a veteran's wife* and it feels like some military spouses treat me differently now, my experiences have not changed.  I haven't changed but to them I'm not apart of their world anymore.  And it hurts.  In a way it's also quite funny if I try and offer advice about deployment they kind of shake it off.  It's very hurtful.  And that's been my real struggle with it the loss of a community that I had relied on so heavily while my husband and I were Army.  Well we had his muster duty appointment yesterday and we went in.  The Sgt. that helped us was very nice and he talked to my husband about some choices that he has and different options.

It's looking like my husband is going to join the Army Reserves.  And I don't know how I feel about it.  The positives, pluses, and pro's are amazing and numerous.  But the one and only big negative is that he signs up for 5years.  He has 2years where they can not mobilize him, and 3 chances to deploy again.  My husband had a very hard deployment.  I don't go into details much or talk about it a lot but when I see women talking and complaining about only being able to talk to their husbands on the internet or get a few calls a week or the fact that his mail gets their late or that the FOB he's on is miserable, I wish my husband had that.  He was a tanker, he had a combat MOS.  Where he was at food had to be air dropped to them they ate the same thing everyday for 6 months if I was lucky we'd talk every 3months.  To many of his friends died.  There were to many times he almost died.  So when some woman tries to say I may not really understand about deployments because I'm not an Army wife anymore I get quite offended *sorry different post*.  something else that always shocked me that we civilians totally take for granted...he was not able to wash his ACU's for almost 9months.  The same clothes Everyday  For 9 months. It's hard for me not think wow y'all are lucky when I hear friends talk about 3&6 month deployments I'm like wow! *the poor army has the longest deployments of any branch*

Now please know I'm not belittling anyone's deployment experience no 2deployments are alike everyone has a different MOS everyone is somewhere else.  And who am I to say that my hardships or sorrows are worse than another?  We each have our own.  I'm also not saying I know everything  about deployments.  I know precious little compared to some.  But I know how it affected my husband and myself.  And that's what I'm speaking from.  So I sincerely hope nobody is offended by this stressed out, worried, and tragically-right-before-my-period post of of mine.

It's just had for me to deal with the fact right now that his MOS would change from a combat MOS, his job would change he'd be doing something in an office, the deployment would be shorter, it wouldn't be like the first time.  Wrapping my head around that is difficult.  When  I think deployment I think no communication, I think anger, I think fights, I think us having the worst time of it ever and not being able to communicate, I think of his mail not even being able to get where he was.  I think of our friends dying.  I think of him going on missions all the time, of them doing whatever they could to stay awake.  I'm thinking of all the time he ALMOST didn't make it home.  And I can't say "I don't think I could do it again" because I will ALWAYS do what I have to do.  I'm his wife, and no matter what my status is now, I am an Army wife.  And  we always have been and always will be Army.  But it's scary and it hurts to think about it all.  But we're going to do it.  Mostly because I saw my husband's eyes light up when the man was telling us about it.  I know that he loves to take care of his family, he loves to have a job he can do well, that he can be proud of, he knows how to do the Army.  It's been his life for so long 24/7 that I don't even think he realizes how much it's become apart of him.  Well no matter what happens I'll stand by his decision.  I just had to get all this out.

  And end it with a little reminder that no matter where he is or what we are dealing with we love each other, love the Lord, and will be ok, we're blessed to have a God that will always provide and never give us more than we can handle ♥

A one month break

Well today marks day 1 of my one month break from make-up and nail polish!  So on May 17th I can wear it all again.  This is just a weird personal thing I decided to do.  I just feel like giving my skin a 'spring break' and thought what the heck may as well do my nails to.  They're ALWAYS painted so maybe they need to go natural for awhile.  I reeeally hope I can stay strong and do this!  I think I'm going to post every week and see how I'm doing if it feels weird or different, if I'm frustrated, or if I notice a difference at all!

So here's to day1 of my skin and nails 'spring break'