My biggest fear

Michael and Matthew on a day we all went to the Bakery, they just loved it!

I've never written a blog post about this particular subject,  for a while I started a little series about fear and really it was just to lead me up to writing this post about my brothers.

I figure that this blog is really just an online journal of sorts, and this just happens to be one of those times that I've been slacking in reading my bible and in my prayer so I'm feeling pretty weak spiritually.  So this worry seems to be rearing it's ugly head.  And I feel the need to let it out here because Unfortunately we're human so fear creeps in, tearing us down as we let ourselves become weaker with every worry and every second of our lives we waste on worry, fear, on the 'unknown' we lose as opportunity to love, to see our blessings, to Thank God, and to trust in him

My baby brothers are autistic, Michael is 17 and functions at about a 12yr old level but he's in the body of an 18yr old that's a hard place to be stuck at.  Matthew is mentally a 2yr  old and can't speak at all he's also physically 18...they're both practically men.  I love them with everything I have and they are two of the most important parts of my life.

Michael, Stephen, and Matthew being goofy

As my little brother Michael who isn't so little anymore  sits across from me and cries about one of his 'regular' classes in school *it's drama and he's the only special needs child in the high school class of juniors and sophomores  and tells me how he was assigned to be in a certain group and got his part but the other kids decided they didn't want him to play that part and said he could just watch they gave it to a different guy and he ran out of the room and cried in the bathroom for awhile he told me he felt betrayed.  It's so hard not to by angry and hateful to these high school kids for hurting my baby.  i want to go in and demand the teacher do something that these kids apologize and accept him, but he tells me they did apologize and begged him to come back he said he likes class and he likes monologues but he doesn't ever want to be in a group again.  I asked if we should talk to the teacher and he informs me that this happened 'years' ago well years to Michael is actually about 3 months and he was over it but something on tv brought it up and made him sad so he just needed to talk about it.  Part of me is so happy and always a bit amazed that he's just so normal sometimes he feels hurt, he has memories of bad school days, just like I do.  And sometimes he doesn't need mom, dad, or myself to rush in and fix it sometimes he just needs someone to listen.

Stephen, Myself, and Michael being funny before a movie

But when he walks away is when I really break down and just cry, how can those kids be like this?  How can I be so angry with them?  I just want to wrap him up and keep him safe from everything part of me wishes he wouldn't grow up so he won't have to deal with the harder parts of life.  And it's so hard trying to make sure I hold my feelings in check and make sure he's all right and understands kids don't mean it usually and that forgiving them is the best thing to do.

Mommy and her babies

I'm scared of my brothers growing up.  I'm scared of what happens to them and us when one or both of my parents pass away.  I'm not scared to be without my parents I know they'll be in a better place but how do I explain it to my brothers?  I know michael will understand but will he ever get over it?  Or used to them not being there?  Will he be ok?  My main concern is Matthew, now if mom isn't home he goes and waits out on the swing for her until she comes home he'll wait for hours in the dark if he has to...how do I tell him mommy or daddy isn't coming home?  He loves them so much.  He's our baby!  I don't want him to feel confused or abandoned.  He's not stupid he'll know they're gone.  How do I deal with that?  I want them to just be happy that's the most important thing to me. But I live in fear of the day Mama or daddy won't be coming home and Matthew will cry.  What will I do then?

From left; Matthew, Michael, Our father Kelly, and my husband Stephen

I don't have answers for any of these worries or questions.  i don't bring them up to my parents because I don't want them to ever worry about it.  My husband has no answers all he says he can do is be there for me, and for us.  I know I could probably go talk to someone about it and as my parents get older I know I'll probably need to talk to my pastor or a christian counselor.  But really nobody can tell me what exactly to do, or how to handle any of it, nobody can give me what I crave as a human...control.  That's the reality of it I want to be sure and positive and  have control.  But I'll never have that, God has control.  It is all in his hands.  This should be a huge comfort to me as a Christian.  But sometimes it's not, sometimes like tonight I just seem to let it all get to me.  I've never written about any of this on my blog or confided in anyone but my husband and the Lord about how I feel.

all 3 of them, husband and brothers are zonked by the tv lol

Fear is letting satan control you and your life it's really giving him that power over you, even though God is always in control you can make the choice to live in the present in a positive place and live with knowing that God is always in control and that he loves and cares for you and will be there through all the ups and downs in your life.  He knows how your life will turn out..nothing is new or unexpected to him.  He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end...and with him in control what is there to fear?

Dad and Michael, almost the same height...so unbelievable

But I want to make it known that Michael and Matthew are the biggest blessings of our lives.  They are constant reminders of the faith of children and how important the little ones are to Jesus Christ.  Take Matthew, he can't speak.  He is mentally a toddler...and he's really always happy.  He has no worries, he sleeps like a baby.  Because he has faith that he will always be cared for...and he will.  He has no reason to doubt that just like we have no reason to doubt Jesus' love for us and no reason to doubt that it is all in his hands and we will always be taken care of.

So thanks for reading, I appreciate getting to get it all off my chest it kind of puts it all in perspective...Luke 12:22-34 helps a lot to, it's all about worrying and exactly what Jesus had to say about it.  I highly suggest giving it a read!

online Book club - August

So a couple friends decided to join in me in an online book club.  We read one book a month, and then the last weekend of the month we each write a post about it.  They can link up or not, answer questions in comments on this post or discuss in comments, really whatever they want!  We're kind of leaning towards Christian books, and I am so happy about that!  This month we read lineage of grace by Francine Rivers.

via

This book follows 5 women of the lineage of Jesus Christ.  All very unlikely women, with amazing stories and amazing lessons in each one.  Those women are Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary.  For me Francine's book touched me and just brought me to my knees a few times.  It was all realistic, from a biblical standpoint it was all accurate, and in each story the love, grace, and forgiveness of God just poured through in every word.  At the end of each story was a bible study.  So what I'm going to do is take a question or two from each study and post it here, answer it for myself, and if the other ladies reading the book want to just answer the same questions on their blogs that's cool with me :)

Book 1 was Unveiled and it was the story of Tamar.

1) What have you learned about Judah so far?  Is he confrontational or passive?  Why?

2)  How did Jacob's son Judah acquire a wife?  Who were her people?

3) What was your opinion of Tamar's character and how she reacted to everyone in the house?  Would she be your definition of a 'good' wife?

Book 2 was Unashamed and it was the story of Rahab

1) Who is Rahab?  How does she make her living?

2) How did Rahab recieve the two 'visitors' to Jericho?

3) Rahab and her family were locked up in her house waiting for the fall of Jericho, in what ways are you in a waiting place right now?  What are you waiting for?  And are you waiting in God?

Book 3 was Unshaken and it was the story of Ruth

1) Ruth experienced several life changing events, what life changing events have you experienced?

2)  What is Naomi's attitude when she goes to Bethlehem, who does she blame for her misfortunes?

3) Do you identify with Ruth or Naomi?

Book 4 was Unspoken and it was the story of Bathsheba

1)  Before David knew who the woman was and sent for her anyway, list everything he know about her and would you describe her as a seductress, victim, or something in between?

2) What consequences befall David's family as a result of their sin?

3) Read John 1:9 from this scripture what is God's promise?  What is the condition of that promise?

Book 5 was Unafraid and it was the story of Mary

1) Mary was alone and quiet when God spoke to her.  God speaks to us in small, quiet ways today, but are we available to hear?  List the things that might distract us and keep us from hearing him.

2) Share a time when you had to 'make do' with your circumstances such as Mary and Joseph had to do with theirs in Bethlehem.

3) Read Luke 8:19-21 what do we learn about Mary and Jesus' relationship from that passage?  What appears to be happening to their relationship?  

4) What provisions does Jesus make for Mary as he is dying on the cross?

So overall what did you think of each character?  Were you surprised at your reactions to a specific one?  Or maybe a few of them?  Did your opinions change as their stories went on?  Did you identify with a certain character?

I highly recommend this book!  And if you were one of the ladies who read it I hope you enjoy it and I hope we can continue this book club next month!

My big dream for 2012

...well one of them anyway lol!

  Last year in around september I went to my first women's retreat with my church.  We went to a place called Jenness Park Christian Camp at first I was not happy about going in a moment of weakness while surrounded by the little old church ladies I had signed myself and my mother up *if I was going down I was taking her with me* on  the way up to the park I was pretty much pouting lol no internet, no tv, no phones, the cell reception is worse than bad, no wifi, and there was 1 payphone in the whole camp.  And I had to be there for THREE DAYS! 

This was probably one of the best times in my entire life, it was amazing having no cantact but with the women at the campe, no electronic distractions, the food was wonderful, the scenery was AMAZING.  They had awesome classes to attend, devotions, singing, it was great!  Most of the time though I would go off and find a quiet place to journal, reflect, or just pray.  My headphones were abandoned the second day!  The sounds of nature and God's creations were much more beautiful and melodic than any song on itunes could EVER be!

Here are a few pictures of the park! 

So these are just a few, another cool thing is verses are etched and written on EVERYTHING in the camp!  The word is all over the place!  It's wonderful!  My goal this year (or dream depending on how you look at it) is to get a group of women/girls together to have our own little women's retreat we could all just get a regular cabin, split the price, and have our own little workshops and crafts!  Everyone (or anyone who wanted) could give their testimonies about how they found the Lord, a time when they really felt close to God, anything!  We could talk about things we have trouble with, things we need to work on, ways that we've grown in the Lord!  It could be a chance to make friends, learn about ourselves, each other, and most importantly to grow in the Lord and surround ourselves with positive christian influences and principals for a couple days!  I'd love it if it could be a Military Girl group, wives, girlfriends, mothers, fiances, past AND present!  But I would love it just as much if it wasn't made of military girls but I feel thats something women with military spouses or finaces or boyfriends (sons, nephews, etc.) need a safe and strong Christian influence and support system!

 

 

Have you ever been on a women's retreat?  What did you like or dislike about it?  Do you feel the need for a stronger Christian influence in your life?  Do you feel a need for more like-minded friends with the same Christian principals?

Pen-Pals!

♥...Pen-Pals...♥

Amira at Shade's of gray and I'm dumb so I couldn't put the TOTALLY cute pen-pal button that she had on her blog onto mine :( but I put the link to the post so I figure that's better than nothing right?!  Anyway I was reading around and saw that she's matching people up with pen-pals...I REALLY want a pen-pal!  I Love writing letters!  It's so nice!  And it's also really nice to have someone to 'talk' to, and the older I've gotten and since I've been married 'good' friends have been few and far between.  I guess I'm just wanting to make a solid connection with someone!  Maybe (hopefully) someone in the same place I am in life, married, has had some military experience lol, and Christian would be an absolute blessing! ...If anyone reading my blog is interested in having my as a pen-pal Please let me know!  I'd love it!  Hoping a get one soon! 

Have you ever had a pen-pal?