Friday's Letters

Dear Husband thank you for being the best provider, friend, and partner I could've ever hoped for.  And thank you for being such a fantastic father you melt my heart when I see you loving on our little.  Dear Army friend I love you dearly and I know you mean the world to my husband, you two have missed each other a lot in the last year.  I am so glad you're coming down to see him, I am not super pleased with the fact that we'll be having company on my first mother's day but I appreciate you calling first and you know and I know that there was no real way I was gonna be able to say no.  So I hope you come down and make my husband super happy he deserves it *and please do not get super drunk I have one baby to take care of I do not need two more big ones added to that equation thank you very much* so HOOAH to you two and I hope you make it and it's an awesome weekend.  Dear Baby Abigail you will be 3months old on Sunday which is also Mother's day and I cannot wait you're growing so much and it's totally a love/hate thing for me.  I hope we can make it a special day for you filled with lots of cuddles and probably way to many photos.  Also please do not get this horrible sickness that we have all had except for you and daddy.  Dear Stomach sickness do not get my baby sick.  Seriously, we have been praying our butts off, washing our hands, bleaching everything, and doing everything else we can think of so seriously leave her and husband alone and I will forgive you for infecting me the past few days and making me unable to hold my little love.  Dear Life you have been kicking us in the stomach pretty good lately.  You know all the soft spots don't you?  And you also know when and why we can't fight back.  But don't worry God has got this so we're not gonna let you win.  So BAM.  Dear God thank you for helping me through everything the last couple weeks, you know our struggles, fears, worries, and choices.  You know what we can handle and what we can't.  Thank you for helping to grow in you.  Please keep protecting my little girl and her health, Amen.

Wonder-Woman I am not!

via

We're still trying to get the little miss on a schedule, taxes need to get done, we're dealing with insurance issues, an upcoming cardiologist appointment, trying to find Easter clothes somewhere in our shrinking budget, husband possibly leaving for training for an undisclosed amount of time *at least a month for sure though* , praying that his current job will still be there for him when he gets back, and of course we are still living with my parents ... that's a lot of stress for the months of March & April.  And through it all I find myself getting more and more edgy, I get irritated far easier, my nerves feel completely raw, and I find myself slipping into the 'why me' trap *you know the one that once you fall in it seems almost impossible to get out of* and it's usually at the worst of times to; when the baby won't sleep and is being particularly fussy around 2:37am and my husband is snoring soundly next to me, or when I'm trying to figure out how to use turbo tax and feed the baby when the computer goes dead.  You would think these situations would just propel me towards the Lord more than ever before...but no I keep trying to handle it all on my own, I keep trying how to be wonder-woman with a 5wk old and a husband who starts at 4:30am and doesn't finish until 6pm all while sharing a kitchen, bathroom, and laundry room with not only 4 other people but with another woman *you know that saying to many cooks..? yeah.* and for some reason I can't get it through my head that wonder-woman isn't real.  She's a made up comic book character, an unattainable idea, yeah she can do it all and probably eat unlimited amounts of pasta without ever getting fat..she's great but I won't ever be able to be her and trying to is only going to frustrate me and my situation 100xs more than it already is. 

 *the Lord sent some quotes, and inspirations my way this week and I'm going to share them here with this post!*

via

 

 

Be still.  Why can I not seem to do that?  I feel like there are just 500 things that always need to be done.  And because of that when I get a spare minute what do I do?  I go and veg out on the computer and drink coffee.  Do I go and open my bible and talk with the Lord?  Do I refresh my soul with his words of comfort and love?  Nope...I go on facebook.  Why do I do that?!  If anything facebook or even other blogs make things worse!  I find myself comparing my situations with those that I see or read about.  That isn't healthy or helpful, I get resentful and envious.  I cannot compare my situation to someone else.  Everyone has their own problems and their own blessings.  Does anyone else ever do that though?  Get caught in the comparison trap?

 

via

It's hard feeling so stuck all the time.  I definitely do not want to feel like that but really it's my own fault.  It's my fault for choosing other things over spending time with the Lord it's as simple as that.  I need to have time set aside everyday whether it's in the early morning, or late at night...whenever.  I just need to be able to have 10 minutes for prayer and scripture.  To refresh my spirit!  That is so important, especially now that I have a little one and it feels like there are so many more stresses, worries, and problems than ever before.  In the good times and bad, and especially when I feel like I don't have time that's when I need to just sit down and let his grace wash over me.  I need to remember he has a plan for me and for my family.  These difficult times won't last forever.  But even in these hard times I need to thank him and praise him.  I need to keep in mind that none of what is happening is a surprise to him.  My life isn't just randomly going along, there is a point to it all.  If that point is to teach me something or help me to grow as a person I don't know but I don't need to know that, I just need to have faith.

via

Mommy Musings

So since I've become a mother I have felt Guilty about almost everything ... seriously about 500 times a day I have all different kinds of guilt and varying degrees of it coming at me from all directions and I'm just starting to realize it could very well all be of my own making.  I'm definitely not a super mom, but I am definitely not the worst mom.  So does that make me an average mom?  I do not know honestly.  I'm not a granola mom, I'm not a 'this is how my mom did it' mom, I'm not all about the easiest thing, I'm not crazy into attachment parenting, but she's not crying it out either.  I'm not depressed but I'm not happy.  I let my mom help a lot actually more than I'm comfortable with and I'm not sure how to feel about that.  I'm getting absolutely no sleep, I worry she doesn't love me, I worry because breast feeding was miserable for me, I feel guilty because I don't really know anything at all...I also feel massively guilty because my husband and I have seen 3 movies since she was born...I know...I've been away from her for 3+hrs 3times...the good moms out there are probably ready to make an example of me and burn me at the stake *whatever I'll go down like the Joan of Arc for all those moms who feel mediocre ... ya know like we're just squeaking by on the 'good mom' scale* it's funny she's 1 month old and I feel like I'm still trying to figure out what kind of mom I wanna be.  I'm comparing it to high school cliques.  Who am I gonna eat lunch with for the next 18+years..?  It's kind of a big decision ... just some late night musings for your boredom/insomnia but husband and baby are both sleep so now I think I may attempt it

Good night