Two years

It's been two years today.  Two years since Stephen lost his best friend, his battle buddy, his brother.  PFC Conrado Javier was KIA in Afghanistan in 2010 during their first deployment.  Javi was a sweetheart he was a little quiet and shy at first but when he got used to you or was around his friends he was hilarious and always making jokes.  His favorite thing to say was "That's badass!" you heard it All.The.Time. lol he wasn't only my husband's friend I considered us good friend's as well.  He always helped my husband and I when we would argue or have a misunderstanding he knew how Stephen was being affected by the way and he always took the time to make sure I knew that he loved me and just told me to hang in there for him.  He was a light to everyone he knew.  I was able to attend his funeral in his hometown in CA in January of the following year.  It was by far the hardest funeral I've ever been to.  I was very glad though to speak to his mother and hug her and just be with her for a few moments though we couldn't understand each other very well *she speaks Spanish I speak English* but the language difference didn't matter we didn't need words we just knew and we just held onto each other for awhile and we cried together.  It was beautiful ceremony I think about 500 people were there.  The graveside service was just as moving, I can't hear Taps without crying now.  My husband won't ever forget, he won't ever stop talking about him or thinking about him and I'm glad.  He was an important part of his life much more important than I can understand and sometimes I don't think wives can ever really fathom how important that one friend can be to them during a deployment like they went through.  And that's ok I'm just so glad they had each other as long as they did.  

Please if you're reading this today please send a prayer up for Javi's family this day cannot be an easy one for them no matter how much time has passed.  Thank you.

RIP Javier

The Army and the Choices we make

Today I am ridiculously confused and conflicted.  If you didn't know my husband just recently got out of the Army *active duty* and got back from where he's been stationed for the 3yrs he'd been in *Germany*.  We thought we were Done with the Military, with the Army, with deployments, with it all.  We were civilians!  And while it's taken some getting used to it's been great so far, different and we've both had some major adjustments but like I said it's been great so far.  He has some PTSD issues and those are always hard to deal with, we've had to get to know each other again and get used to living together *for the first time in our 3yrs of marriage*.  For me the biggest adjustments where not worrying about him leaving or going back, and the loss of community.  Everyone is all about you when you're an Army Wife.  I had a group on facebook called Hero's Honeys *if you're a military spouse or girlfriend or fiance reading this go request a membership it's wonderful* there were about 400 women in it.  All different branches and my lovely friend Daniella and I were able to keep it 100% drama free which is what we really wanted out of a group.  Well I'm not an Army wife anymore *I'm a veteran's wife* and it feels like some military spouses treat me differently now, my experiences have not changed.  I haven't changed but to them I'm not apart of their world anymore.  And it hurts.  In a way it's also quite funny if I try and offer advice about deployment they kind of shake it off.  It's very hurtful.  And that's been my real struggle with it the loss of a community that I had relied on so heavily while my husband and I were Army.  Well we had his muster duty appointment yesterday and we went in.  The Sgt. that helped us was very nice and he talked to my husband about some choices that he has and different options.

It's looking like my husband is going to join the Army Reserves.  And I don't know how I feel about it.  The positives, pluses, and pro's are amazing and numerous.  But the one and only big negative is that he signs up for 5years.  He has 2years where they can not mobilize him, and 3 chances to deploy again.  My husband had a very hard deployment.  I don't go into details much or talk about it a lot but when I see women talking and complaining about only being able to talk to their husbands on the internet or get a few calls a week or the fact that his mail gets their late or that the FOB he's on is miserable, I wish my husband had that.  He was a tanker, he had a combat MOS.  Where he was at food had to be air dropped to them they ate the same thing everyday for 6 months if I was lucky we'd talk every 3months.  To many of his friends died.  There were to many times he almost died.  So when some woman tries to say I may not really understand about deployments because I'm not an Army wife anymore I get quite offended *sorry different post*.  something else that always shocked me that we civilians totally take for granted...he was not able to wash his ACU's for almost 9months.  The same clothes Everyday  For 9 months. It's hard for me not think wow y'all are lucky when I hear friends talk about 3&6 month deployments I'm like wow! *the poor army has the longest deployments of any branch*

Now please know I'm not belittling anyone's deployment experience no 2deployments are alike everyone has a different MOS everyone is somewhere else.  And who am I to say that my hardships or sorrows are worse than another?  We each have our own.  I'm also not saying I know everything  about deployments.  I know precious little compared to some.  But I know how it affected my husband and myself.  And that's what I'm speaking from.  So I sincerely hope nobody is offended by this stressed out, worried, and tragically-right-before-my-period post of of mine.

It's just had for me to deal with the fact right now that his MOS would change from a combat MOS, his job would change he'd be doing something in an office, the deployment would be shorter, it wouldn't be like the first time.  Wrapping my head around that is difficult.  When  I think deployment I think no communication, I think anger, I think fights, I think us having the worst time of it ever and not being able to communicate, I think of his mail not even being able to get where he was.  I think of our friends dying.  I think of him going on missions all the time, of them doing whatever they could to stay awake.  I'm thinking of all the time he ALMOST didn't make it home.  And I can't say "I don't think I could do it again" because I will ALWAYS do what I have to do.  I'm his wife, and no matter what my status is now, I am an Army wife.  And  we always have been and always will be Army.  But it's scary and it hurts to think about it all.  But we're going to do it.  Mostly because I saw my husband's eyes light up when the man was telling us about it.  I know that he loves to take care of his family, he loves to have a job he can do well, that he can be proud of, he knows how to do the Army.  It's been his life for so long 24/7 that I don't even think he realizes how much it's become apart of him.  Well no matter what happens I'll stand by his decision.  I just had to get all this out.

  And end it with a little reminder that no matter where he is or what we are dealing with we love each other, love the Lord, and will be ok, we're blessed to have a God that will always provide and never give us more than we can handle ♥