Wonder-Woman I am not!

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We're still trying to get the little miss on a schedule, taxes need to get done, we're dealing with insurance issues, an upcoming cardiologist appointment, trying to find Easter clothes somewhere in our shrinking budget, husband possibly leaving for training for an undisclosed amount of time *at least a month for sure though* , praying that his current job will still be there for him when he gets back, and of course we are still living with my parents ... that's a lot of stress for the months of March & April.  And through it all I find myself getting more and more edgy, I get irritated far easier, my nerves feel completely raw, and I find myself slipping into the 'why me' trap *you know the one that once you fall in it seems almost impossible to get out of* and it's usually at the worst of times to; when the baby won't sleep and is being particularly fussy around 2:37am and my husband is snoring soundly next to me, or when I'm trying to figure out how to use turbo tax and feed the baby when the computer goes dead.  You would think these situations would just propel me towards the Lord more than ever before...but no I keep trying to handle it all on my own, I keep trying how to be wonder-woman with a 5wk old and a husband who starts at 4:30am and doesn't finish until 6pm all while sharing a kitchen, bathroom, and laundry room with not only 4 other people but with another woman *you know that saying to many cooks..? yeah.* and for some reason I can't get it through my head that wonder-woman isn't real.  She's a made up comic book character, an unattainable idea, yeah she can do it all and probably eat unlimited amounts of pasta without ever getting fat..she's great but I won't ever be able to be her and trying to is only going to frustrate me and my situation 100xs more than it already is. 

 *the Lord sent some quotes, and inspirations my way this week and I'm going to share them here with this post!*

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Be still.  Why can I not seem to do that?  I feel like there are just 500 things that always need to be done.  And because of that when I get a spare minute what do I do?  I go and veg out on the computer and drink coffee.  Do I go and open my bible and talk with the Lord?  Do I refresh my soul with his words of comfort and love?  Nope...I go on facebook.  Why do I do that?!  If anything facebook or even other blogs make things worse!  I find myself comparing my situations with those that I see or read about.  That isn't healthy or helpful, I get resentful and envious.  I cannot compare my situation to someone else.  Everyone has their own problems and their own blessings.  Does anyone else ever do that though?  Get caught in the comparison trap?

 

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It's hard feeling so stuck all the time.  I definitely do not want to feel like that but really it's my own fault.  It's my fault for choosing other things over spending time with the Lord it's as simple as that.  I need to have time set aside everyday whether it's in the early morning, or late at night...whenever.  I just need to be able to have 10 minutes for prayer and scripture.  To refresh my spirit!  That is so important, especially now that I have a little one and it feels like there are so many more stresses, worries, and problems than ever before.  In the good times and bad, and especially when I feel like I don't have time that's when I need to just sit down and let his grace wash over me.  I need to remember he has a plan for me and for my family.  These difficult times won't last forever.  But even in these hard times I need to thank him and praise him.  I need to keep in mind that none of what is happening is a surprise to him.  My life isn't just randomly going along, there is a point to it all.  If that point is to teach me something or help me to grow as a person I don't know but I don't need to know that, I just need to have faith.

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My savior saved me...again

This is a short and sweet Sunday morning post, just wanted to share a little blessing that is on my heart today.  Last night was night two without husband here so I slept inside in mom and dad's house, I was feeling kind of blah and started watching my little brother Matthew and I just love him so much he's so precious and innocent, but suddenly those sweet thoughts began to turn to worries and scary thoughts about the future and I was starting to feel the tears coming on, I just knew it was satan trying to bring me back to that place.  A place of worry and fear, he was tempting me to give in to all that negativity and waste the precious time I have right now.  I stopped and began to pray and I prayed for awhile.  I asked God to help me see all the things I do have right now, all the time I still have and all the time I've had.  I asked him to please give me some kind of peace about this to take this burden of worry from me, I wanted to give it to him.  Well a series of events began to happen that had me laughing and crawling into bed the threatening, depressing thoughts were almost gone but still bothering me in the back of my mind when suddenly my cell phone rang!  It was my husband, and it was plenty late he should have been asleep but he had just decided to call *my husband does not do that just so you know* he didn't really have anything to say and neither did I but we talked for a bit and then got off the phone, I felt calm and at peace and was ready to go right to sleep.  I didn't feel that way because of my husband but because of the Lord.  I know that little call really came from him, it was my savior saving me from myself all over again.  And I just wanted to write this little blog post and tell the Lord Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul it was just such a reminder that he is constantly with me and hears and sees it all.

Have a Beautiful Sunday

The Season

Sometimes it is so hard to be Thankful for what you have, what God has graciously given you.  Sometimes you get to dreaming about More about what your life would be like if you had the Perfect this or that.  When in reality where you are at this moment, what you have at this moment is exactly what you need.  That is where God wants you to be, the things you have are gifts from the Lord *whether we choose to look at them as such or not*

Around Christmas time it can be hard not to compare, not to get envious, not to want.  Everything is beautiful, and you want everything to be perfect for this special time of year.  But more often than not we get stuck with feelings of inadequacy, or we feel that our possessions are lacking, our decorations aren't as good as they could be, our gifts aren't good enough, or the menu isn't as fabulous as it could be.  We focus on what we want, or what we think we need.  We should be focusing on what we have, the people, the love, the salvation.  My husband looked over at me last night while we were watching a movie and said "I am so glad we're poor and happy, if we were rich we would not be this happy" and I laughed at him and gave him a kiss but it stuck with me all night, because he was completely 100% right.

Instead of planning for the far away future and when you think things will finally be 'perfect' we need to enjoy right now.  Personally we need to continue to enjoy living in 150 sq ft of space.  It's a special time for us whether we realize it or not.  We need to love this life we are currently living.  Because this is obviously where God wants us.  There is nothing wrong with praying about the future.  But that's all you can do, you can't plan it or worry about it without taking something away from the life you're blessed to live right now.  So say your prayers and give it up to God.  When he wants you somewhere else, he'll put you somewhere else.  He will put it all in motion whether you realize it or not.  Things will happen in his time.  And really would we want it any other way?  Do we really need to be that controlling that we would choose our own time over his perfect timing?  He knows what we need and when we need it, when we'll benefit from it.  When the time is right.

So right now, today, tonight, this month, this weekend, this very minute...enjoy it.  Being a military wife has helped me realize how important 'the now' is.  How important every second can be.  So I'm going to put away the pens, the college ruled paper, the lists, close the organization apps...and simply Enjoy hearing the wind blow and the rain fall on the tin roof.  I'm going to make a fun, easy dinner of chili dogs and get to sit down and eat it with my family and enjoy the weekend tv time.  I'm going to listen to Christmas music and enjoy feeling my daughter move and kick.  I'm going to love the moment my husband walks in the door, and I'm going to pray to God that I can do better at letting things come in his good time.

What are you going to do this weekend?  Do you ever feel that the rush is getting to you?  The constant go go go, or the need to get everything done on that list?  How do you slow down and deal? ... Or do you?  Do you ever feel that you are constantly waiting for things to just get better, so you can be where you want in your life?  Try and think on these beautiful and reassuring words this weekend...

Thankful Day #2

So today was a bit better, still emotional, tired, stressed, and I feel as though I have literally gotten Nothing and I mean Nothing accomplished.  It's not a fun feeling.  But Grandpa is still in the hospital, the baby is getting bigger, Thanksgiving is still coming...life is going on despite my 'blahhh' days.  So who am I to try and stop it?  Part of growing up is rolling with the punches.  Not letting yourself fall into the self pity trap is one of the hardest and the Best things you can do.  So today when I was feeling grosser than gross with a ridiculous lower back ache what did I do?  Did I find my blanket and go curl up and hide?  Did I just give up?  No.  I wanted to, but I didn't.  I put on my big girl pants and got some baby shower stuff done, drank some tea, read some of the bible, made an eyebrow appointment *those things have been scary lately no joke* and a hair appointment...And that's it.  It's not a lot but it's a step in the direction of tomorrow being even better.  Sometimes I forget how important your appearance is to You I don't want my hair done or eyebrows groomed for my husband or anyone else it's for me.  To give me a little pick me up that apparently I've been needing lately, and I think it's really important to take care of yourself and sadly I've been letting myself go a little bit lately.  No more of that though *Lord willing* so tomorrow I'm going to catch up completely on my devotions and start my day off right *that means the bible before facebook or blogging* and try and focus on being better.

1. Stephen found his way to where he needed to be
2. The people calling and showing Grandma and Grandpa their love and support
3. That my cousins went in to see grandpa
4. feeling the baby move
5. heart burn doesn't last forevr
6. finally got the baby shower invites ordered
7. got the little poems for the tables ordered
8. we get paid tomorrow
9. I'm getting a much needed appearance overhaul tomorrow
10. our warm, comfortable, functional home ♥

My biggest fear

Michael and Matthew on a day we all went to the Bakery, they just loved it!

I've never written a blog post about this particular subject,  for a while I started a little series about fear and really it was just to lead me up to writing this post about my brothers.

I figure that this blog is really just an online journal of sorts, and this just happens to be one of those times that I've been slacking in reading my bible and in my prayer so I'm feeling pretty weak spiritually.  So this worry seems to be rearing it's ugly head.  And I feel the need to let it out here because Unfortunately we're human so fear creeps in, tearing us down as we let ourselves become weaker with every worry and every second of our lives we waste on worry, fear, on the 'unknown' we lose as opportunity to love, to see our blessings, to Thank God, and to trust in him

My baby brothers are autistic, Michael is 17 and functions at about a 12yr old level but he's in the body of an 18yr old that's a hard place to be stuck at.  Matthew is mentally a 2yr  old and can't speak at all he's also physically 18...they're both practically men.  I love them with everything I have and they are two of the most important parts of my life.

Michael, Stephen, and Matthew being goofy

As my little brother Michael who isn't so little anymore  sits across from me and cries about one of his 'regular' classes in school *it's drama and he's the only special needs child in the high school class of juniors and sophomores  and tells me how he was assigned to be in a certain group and got his part but the other kids decided they didn't want him to play that part and said he could just watch they gave it to a different guy and he ran out of the room and cried in the bathroom for awhile he told me he felt betrayed.  It's so hard not to by angry and hateful to these high school kids for hurting my baby.  i want to go in and demand the teacher do something that these kids apologize and accept him, but he tells me they did apologize and begged him to come back he said he likes class and he likes monologues but he doesn't ever want to be in a group again.  I asked if we should talk to the teacher and he informs me that this happened 'years' ago well years to Michael is actually about 3 months and he was over it but something on tv brought it up and made him sad so he just needed to talk about it.  Part of me is so happy and always a bit amazed that he's just so normal sometimes he feels hurt, he has memories of bad school days, just like I do.  And sometimes he doesn't need mom, dad, or myself to rush in and fix it sometimes he just needs someone to listen.

Stephen, Myself, and Michael being funny before a movie

But when he walks away is when I really break down and just cry, how can those kids be like this?  How can I be so angry with them?  I just want to wrap him up and keep him safe from everything part of me wishes he wouldn't grow up so he won't have to deal with the harder parts of life.  And it's so hard trying to make sure I hold my feelings in check and make sure he's all right and understands kids don't mean it usually and that forgiving them is the best thing to do.

Mommy and her babies

I'm scared of my brothers growing up.  I'm scared of what happens to them and us when one or both of my parents pass away.  I'm not scared to be without my parents I know they'll be in a better place but how do I explain it to my brothers?  I know michael will understand but will he ever get over it?  Or used to them not being there?  Will he be ok?  My main concern is Matthew, now if mom isn't home he goes and waits out on the swing for her until she comes home he'll wait for hours in the dark if he has to...how do I tell him mommy or daddy isn't coming home?  He loves them so much.  He's our baby!  I don't want him to feel confused or abandoned.  He's not stupid he'll know they're gone.  How do I deal with that?  I want them to just be happy that's the most important thing to me. But I live in fear of the day Mama or daddy won't be coming home and Matthew will cry.  What will I do then?

From left; Matthew, Michael, Our father Kelly, and my husband Stephen

I don't have answers for any of these worries or questions.  i don't bring them up to my parents because I don't want them to ever worry about it.  My husband has no answers all he says he can do is be there for me, and for us.  I know I could probably go talk to someone about it and as my parents get older I know I'll probably need to talk to my pastor or a christian counselor.  But really nobody can tell me what exactly to do, or how to handle any of it, nobody can give me what I crave as a human...control.  That's the reality of it I want to be sure and positive and  have control.  But I'll never have that, God has control.  It is all in his hands.  This should be a huge comfort to me as a Christian.  But sometimes it's not, sometimes like tonight I just seem to let it all get to me.  I've never written about any of this on my blog or confided in anyone but my husband and the Lord about how I feel.

all 3 of them, husband and brothers are zonked by the tv lol

Fear is letting satan control you and your life it's really giving him that power over you, even though God is always in control you can make the choice to live in the present in a positive place and live with knowing that God is always in control and that he loves and cares for you and will be there through all the ups and downs in your life.  He knows how your life will turn out..nothing is new or unexpected to him.  He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end...and with him in control what is there to fear?

Dad and Michael, almost the same height...so unbelievable

But I want to make it known that Michael and Matthew are the biggest blessings of our lives.  They are constant reminders of the faith of children and how important the little ones are to Jesus Christ.  Take Matthew, he can't speak.  He is mentally a toddler...and he's really always happy.  He has no worries, he sleeps like a baby.  Because he has faith that he will always be cared for...and he will.  He has no reason to doubt that just like we have no reason to doubt Jesus' love for us and no reason to doubt that it is all in his hands and we will always be taken care of.

So thanks for reading, I appreciate getting to get it all off my chest it kind of puts it all in perspective...Luke 12:22-34 helps a lot to, it's all about worrying and exactly what Jesus had to say about it.  I highly suggest giving it a read!

That's called Satisfied

Yesterday I was snuggled up in bed getting ready to read my daily devotions.  I use a bible study app on my phone, I'm trying to read the entire bible in a year so I read a bit everyday and I chose to read it in chronological order so it's kind of interesting to see where I am in the bible that day.  But on this particular day I'm sad to say I was not curious at all, I wasn't really thinking about it I was kind of just going through the motions because I hadn't gone to church *again* and was feeling a bit guilty.  Now I've had plenty of excuses for not going to church for the last few weeks but when it comes down to it I always feel guilty *and I'm not one of those people that think you have to go to church to be a christian you can worship perfectly well in your own home* but Jesus died on the cross for me...would it really kill me to take a few hours out of the day once a week?  No.  No it would not.  So out of guilt I was pulling out my bible in our little home while my husband and dad were working on water pipes under the house, mom was cleaning, normal stuff ya know?  Well as is usually the case when you least expect it God points you in the direction you need to be.  Sometimes it is just so interesting to me the blatant messages you can receive from Christ in totally average ways at an unlikely time.  I wasn't going through a big trial, nothing was really wrong just average everyday stuff, I wasn't searching for answers, nothing I was just trying to ease my own guilt...I was going to fulfill in my mind this little requirement and then go on about my day and forget all about it.  Wrong.  My devotions that morning instructed me to read the book of Haggai *another thing I like about this daily devotions app is all the other parts of the bible I'm reading for the first time*.  I've never even looked at Haggai before, so much of this small book stuck out to me.

"Is it a time for yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin?"

"Give careful thought to your ways.  You have planted much, but have harvested little.  you eat but never have enough.  You drink, but never have your fill.  You put on clothes, but are not warm.  You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."

"Give careful thought to your ways.  Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored.  you expect much, but see, it turned out to be little.  What you brought home, I blew away.  Why?  Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house.  Therefore, because of you the heavens have withheld their dew and the earth it's crops."

Now Autumn is a month of harvest, plenty, celebrating family, being thankful for what you have, for being satisfied with what the Lord has given you.  What those verses were saying to me on that morning was that I need to learn to be satisfied with what I have, I am to some degree of course but it's definitely something I could do better at.  It also made me think that I need to do better honoring and thanking the Lord all the time.  Not just when I was receive a blessing or when I'm feeling guilty.  Fixing up our homes is important and necessary especially before winter sets in...but making sure that our faith and our relationship with the Lord is equally strong, secure, and weather-ready is even more important.  And our relationship with him requires constant up-keep, adjustments, and fixing on our part.  He wants not just be satisfied with what we have but Thankful for it.  That's what this beautiful season is supposed to high light.  But we can get carried away in other things.  I know I do.  I think it's important not to worry about the future, it's important to live in this moment and this day to love the people that God has placed in your life...you never know when they may not be there.  Life can change so quickly it's comforting to know that God is a constant he is the Alpha and Omega, The beginning and the end, like he says in exodus to Moses "I m that I am".  He's all encompassing.  He should be present in every aspect of our lives.

So after this lovely moment I had on Sunday, I felt the need to do better, to try.  So I made a list of things I'm going to work on this week to be a better christian.  To enjoy this life that I've been blessed with and to put God first.


Remember to pray before my meals *it's something so small but so important and I've gotten out of the habit*
Watch my potty mouth *a ridiculously hard habit to break*
Read my devotions Every day
Remember to keep up with my daily prayer list
Take pride in my home and myself
Enjoy the family that I'm blessed enough to live close to
Actually ask myself WWJD
Remember to be kind and helpful and have a good attitude while doing it
Be good stewards with our finances
Make a list of 5 blessings every day this week *they must be different everyday*
Go to church this week *maybe bible study?*
Find satisfaction in what we have

Now of course I should try and be the best Christian I can be every day but this week I want to Actively try and see if I can tell a difference, or even if those around me  can tell. . Enjoy this song by Jewel called 'Satisfied'

Worries and Things

Money, bills, baby things, credit cards, house repairs, groceries, gas, etc.   The list goes on and on.  Since getting out of the Army my husband has been searching and searching and searching for a job with little to no luck.  He put off going on unemployment for as long as humanly possible I finally had to sit down and tell him it's not charity.  Yes there are a lot of people sucking the life out of our governments resources and cheating the system *really it's disgusting how many people I know who are on food stamps and just use it for BBQs at the lake and house parties*  you are not one of them.  You were in the military for how long?  You were deployed for how long?  They left your medical condition go unchecked until they had to emergency mediflight you out of a war zone?  They've screwed us out of how much time and really how much money?  If anyone deserves to be on unemployment it's someone like you.  And so finally he gave in.  And we've been making it work pretty well for us.  Unemployment benefits have been a huge blessing to us.  Pair that with him signing up for the reserves and getting out our insurance right in time for someone to get pregnant with baby  #1!  We are so blessed, really we can feel and see God's love for us every day.  But we're human being we can't help but let some worry creep in.  Like now that his unemployment is about to run out and there are still no jobs in sight.  He's looking in to filing an extension, but the site is less than helpful and I've found that googling unemployment issues is like being one of those people that googles medical conditions.  You can't be sure anything is true or correct and it's makes you feel paranoid and sicker than before.  On the site it says this

 Who is eligible for federal extension benefits? Federal extension benefits are designed to provide further income support to eligible unemployed workers who have been out of work for a long period of time. The current legislation makes December 23, 2012, the deadline for filing a first federal extension of benefits, once a regular UI claim runs out. The deadline for filing a second, third, or fourth federal extension of benefits, is also December 23, 2012, once the prior level of extension runs out.

...Ok...what is a 'long' period of time?  I have no clue he's been out of work for almost a year.  And now we've got  a baby on the way so we kind of feel like the pressure is ya know...on.  So apparently what happens is if you are in fact eligible for an extension then they will automatically enroll us and do everything we just wait for some stuff in the mail...but if we go more than two weeks from our last check without hearing anything then we have to get in contact with them.  It's hard because we aren't sure of anything.  And that's such a human thing...we Need reassurance we Need to know what is going to happen we Need control but what we really Need is God is this an opportunity from the Lord?  For us to really lean on him in our time of need to show him that we don't let worry fill our every waking moment when we have him?  Maybe.  I don't really know how to be sure of that but I'm definitely going to try and use this as an opportunity to lean completely on him and not on my own understanding.  I'm a firm believer that God has a plan for everyone that he already knows exactly what is going to happen, I believe he has a job or opportunity out there that is perfect for my husband and for our growing family.  But I have to remember it won't come in our time it will come in His time and really that's going to be the perfect time.  So until then we just need to hold on and pray, have faith, and remember that he has a plan for us we're never forgotten or left behind.

I decided to do a little google search on Bible verses about not worrying and found this amazing site!  It has so many beautiful, wonderful, and just plain comforting verses to many for me to put in this blog post but I'm going to include a couple favorites I can't help myself!  And if you're in need of some inspiration I highly recommend clicking the above link and getting some!

Also, if you noticed I sprinkled in some of our blessings to kind of balance out this post lol!

 

 Matthew 6:34  “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Luke 12:25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his  span of life?

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you;my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you.Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Proverbs 3:5-6   Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Philippians 4:6-7  do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:31  What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

 

Choosing Joy

We've all heard it or some variation of it, it's all in Your attitude.  It's not the outcome of a situation that decided how you will feel it's your choice to have a certain Reaction to it.  Just choose to be happy, to have a good attitude, to be happy with your surroundings, to be happy with your circumstances no matter what they are.  And that is 100% true, but like so much else it is so much easier to preach it than practice it.  I went to a women's luncheon at my church the other day, I felt pregnant, fat, huge, irritated, edgy, I wanted to stay home and sleep because I was so tired but I went...and no things did not get better as it progressed I got even more irritated and I'm pretty sure I was sending off waves that said "no really...stay away from me".  I didn't feel better once I went it just wasn't happening I was counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds till I could leave.

Then the speaker came up to talk, and in true-to-myself-fashion I pulled out a notebook to take notes.  It doesn't matter if I didn't like what she was saying or just couldn't care less I am a note taker...it keeps me from being bored and gives me something to do with my hands.  Anyway she started talking about 'choosing joy' and I'm sure they could hear my eyes roll in Japan at that point...because she proceeded to talk about their home up in the beautiful mountains, it's a huge rustic cabin on 10 acres over looking a lake that could bring you to your knees it's so beautiful, she then spoke of how she even got to redecorate it all to her liking from top to bottom.  So now I am deep in the 'my life is so much worse than yours' game in my head.  I'm thinking...the Top 5 reasons why my life sucks and you have no clue

1. My husband is unemployed and it's killing him because he's trying so hard
2. Our unemployment is almost up and I'm pregnant
3. We live in a 125 sq ft home anytime I need to pee at night *which I am pregnant so it's all the time* I have to walk across the yard and go into my parents house.
4. We would LOVE to live in the mountains but we won't ever be able to.  Because we are my brother's care takers if anything ever happens to one or both of my parents and with their disabilities they couldn't handle moving.
5. The Army reserve guy found a way to screw my husband out of some money he had coming to him...money we NEED right now.

Now you'd think this would be the part where she goes on to tell of her trails that would just shock all of us, the horrible things she went through and it would totally put me in my place.  Nope.  She was just straight up unhappy with all of that.  Dissatisfied.  Nothing made her feel the sense of fulfillment she was craving, that really we all crave.  But then something happened, I realized I really wanted to stop feeling so bitter.  I wanted to stop feeling unhappy.  I wanted to stop before I got myself into a depression and got bogged down in self pity...because once you go there it's almost impossible to get yourself out again.  So I stopped focusing on the woman at the front of the church and stopped thinking of her life and my life and started just listening to what she was saying.  I really opened myself up to it and I really liked what I heard.  Here are just some of the points she made that really hit home for me.

1.  No matter what happens you can choose to rejoice in it, and you will be all the better for it!
2. Be thankful for every single problem, it is a gift from God a testament to how much he Knows you can handle because our Lord does not give us more than we can take
3. Don't ever make a decision based on feelings.
4. Have an eternal perspective not an earthly perspective.  Get your priorities in order!
5. When you're feeling discontent, when you find yourself complaining Stop focusing on yourself!  Deliberately think of other things.
6. And if you and your spouse are dealing with a trial, tell each other "I hope this trial brings us closer together and closer to God"

And here are two of the beautiful verses that really stuck out to me.

Habakuk 3:17-18 "Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will Rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation."

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; of there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." 

So then I decided to come up with some counter-reasons to the ones I'd made earlier in my head.  Of why my life is wonderful, I mean I have everything I need and really so much more!  Who am I to complain about what the Lord sees fit to give me?  It's not enough to thank him for every blessing he bestows on us but we also need to thank him for every single trial.

1. Since my husband isn't working it's enabling us to spend the time together we were never able to in the Army, we met online talked for 4months got married he left a week later, deployed, for 3years we barely saw each other and weren't able to talk that much.  Now we're together every day and it is wonderful.  Also it's in the Lord's hands when he gets a job.  God has a plan for him and a perfect job picked out it just won't come in our time it will come in His time.  Nothing like learning a little patience!
2. We can still try and file for an extension on our unemployment, and if that doesn't work at least we have our insurance paid for.  And I thank the Lord everyday that I am pregnant and that our little one is healthy and strong.
3. Our little home is PAID for!  And we are living near my parents which is a huge blessing for everyone involved.  We have so much taken care of and provided for us, we're living on the ranch I've grown up on...really I wouldn't know how to call anything else 'home'.
4. And yes we would love to live somewhere else, but I wouldn't trade my brothers, my blessings, for anything in the world.  I love them so much sometimes it feels like they're just as much my children as my mom's it's not a chore taking care of them or providing for them it's a gift from God that he gave to our family.  Everyday we get to see and experience the blind faith of a child that God tells us we should have.  Those boys teach me so much.  I'd give up a million big houses in beautiful places to get the privilege of being able to be here on the ranch with them.
5. Well we may not have the money we should've gotten, but we have health insurance and we got it just in time to find out I was pregnant...God always provides.

So that was just my experience with 'choosing joy' have you ever had one?  Have you had a hard time lately choosing to be happy?  It's not always easy but it really is always worth it.  I hope whoever is reading this has the Lord present in their life because really that is the only way to get the sense of contentment we all crave. Have a blessed day ♥

 Linking up with Royal Daughter Designs

7weeks Pregnant

Well I'm very happy to report that no miscarriage has taken place. Everything seems to be a false alarm. I guess it's just me being paranoid but I just want this little one so much I can't imagine something happening to him or her. Switching doctors was the most amazing thing I could've done! I am so glad I made that choice I felt like everything turned around at that point. I'm actually going to the same doctor that delivered myself and my three Brothers. My hormone levels are fine, she did a vaginal sonogram {OUCH before now I've never even had a pap smear} and she said I have a nice strong sack, when I went to the appointment I was just barely 6weeks so she said it's normal that we didn't see a heartbeat it was just a bit to early. I go back July 5th for another sonogram to check out the heartbeat and everything with a different doctor because mine is taking a vacation {this doctor actually delivered my cousins} I'm nervous because this doctor is a male and it's gonna be AWKWARD {right?} for some reason I still have that lingering fear that something will be massively wrong and There won't be a heartbeat I'm trying to keep myself from getting to worried about and just have faith in the Lord.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Or problems with previous spotting? Or had to change doctors?

A pregnancy scare

Not that kind. I am pregnant, but I keep having a miscarriage scare. I've been something-less-than-spotting the past couple days since the doctor did a vaginal sonogram on me. Tonight it was a bit heavier but it's still not spotting. I'm freaked out and scared I'm not in any other kind of pain or discomfort and there's nothing on my underwear. Maybe I'm paranoid? All I know is I want to cry. I want these scares to be over. I know it's in God's hands and it's happening for a reason but I want a healthy baby so much. When I saw the spot on the toilet paper I almost passed out I thought it was over and now it's back my mouth went dry and I was just fighting back the tears. To a newly first time pregnant girl who has been hearing miscarriage stories lately and has a mother who lost her first baby that little spot may as well be a death sentence. It has the ability to bring me to my knees in fear and frustration. I'm having flashes in my mind of waking up in the morning covered in blood wondering what I'm going to do? I'm trying to refrain from going to the bathroom and wiping repeatedly until I get the results I want. But thats not how this works.

If I am miscarrying if I am bleeding all over. I'll know, I'll find/figure it out and I'll go to the ER tonight {or whenever} if it's not if it's just a part of being pregnant of a side effect from the vaginal irritation that took place then thats ok

But no matter what I just need to stop. And breathe. And pray. Because it's in his hands I need to wait and trust in my heavenly father.

Pray for mr? Thank you.'

Living a simple life to the fullest

Lately I've found myself getting down in the dumps, getting discouraged repeatedly and So easily!  And it's my fault.  Self-pity is a horrible, dangerous, and super easy trap to fall into.  And once you're in that hole it can be extremely difficult to get out of it again.  So before I get in to deep I'm going to climb myself out *and hopefully stay out for awhile* one of my big problems lately is that I keep letting people get to me, I let their comments, actions, and sometimes even their very presence touch me in a negative way when I shouldn't even let them in at all!  I find myself turning into them, with a jaded attitude and all!  I should just let it all roll right off my back and keep on going on my merry way.  And I'm going to start doing just that!  I'm going to put all my focus and energy where it needs to be.  On my walk with the Lord, my family, myself, and the other positive people and things in my life.  What do you need to have a full life?  A happy life?  What areas are there that make up the Important Things?  I don't remember why but one day my husband and I made up a list of what we considered to be the basic aspects of any life

1. The Lord
2. Family
3. Nutrition *sustenance, you know what keeps your body going*
4. Exercise *health whatever you want to call it*
5. Cleanliness *not just for yourself but for the space{s} that you inhabit like your car, and your home*

If you focus on those 5 things, you won't have time for much else!  Now everyone is different but for me, my closest friends are my family.  And I need to spend as much time with them as I can and be the best I can to them because life is to short not to enjoy every moment I have with these wonderful people I've been blessed with!  Nutrition, what am I putting in my body?  Is it good for me?  Is it hurting me?  I'm I putting in to much of something and not enough of something else?  I also cook for my family so this also really important because it's not just for me.  I get such a joy out of preparing food with love and creativity for them.  I love when people Love my food!  The joy and fulfillment I get out of it is ridiculous.  Exercise, there is nothing better than that awesome burn you feel from a good workout.  Exercising is good for your health, it creates endorphins, and it clears the mind in a wonderful and natural way when something is just eating at you!  Cleanliness, obviously you don't want to stink or anything but for me this is not wearing makeup for a while and it's having a better skin routine or make up removing routine!  And of course keeping my home clean, I can think So much better when my space is organized and clean.  You can't have a clear mind or a healthy life if the space you inhabit is cluttered and stressful!  And of course the best for last, the most important for last...The Lord so this encompasses so much!  My walk with him, honoring him, following the commandments, reading my bible, trusting in him, if I do this how on earth could negative people and things affect me?  If I have my mind, heart, eyes, and ears focused on where they should be it doesn't matter what people say or do, it doesn't matter if nothing is going my way.  I woke up this morning with a need to treat things differently.  To be different, to be better.  At the center of it all I need to make sure the Lord is there.

Now if I sit back and read this, that is A Lot for every singe day?  To focus on these things?  I mean what else would I have time for???  Certainly not letting things get to me, or bogging myself down in self pity!  I'm going to be busy living a simple life to the fullest extent of my abilities!  Not even just for myself *or my family bless them for having to deal with me, be around me, and love me anyways* but because I want to spread happiness and positivity, I want to let people go ahead in the super market, hold the door open for someone at the post office, when someone cuts me off in traffic I don't want to get mad!  When someone says something hurtful or mean 

I don't want to retaliate or let it hurt me at all!  I want to pray for them!  I want to spread the good! 

 Do you ever feel like that?

Fear

The Greek word  Phobos *which is where we get the word Phobia today* means "fear" or "terror" and was also the name of the Greek god who is a representation of fear in Greek mythology, Phobos was known for accompanying Ares the god of war into battle along with the ancient goddess Enyo, the goddess of war and strife, the goddess of discord Eris, and his twin brother Deimos. the god of dread and terror. 

Fear.  In today's world they tell you to be afraid of EVERYTHING this food causes cancer, this food makes you fat, you'll die if you don't do this everyday, you could die in a car, you'll definitely die on a plane, terrorists are everywhere.  The list of things to fear goes on and on, books are filled with phobias.  Fear stands in the way of so much, of so many.  Recently Cassie a blogger that I've recently started to follow wrote A very interesting post and it got me to really start thinking. 

What am I REALLY afraid of?  Do those fears stand in the way of me living a really authentic, and amazing life?  The life that God wants for me?  What are these fears?  Why do I have them? What can I do to eradicate these fears?

I felt inspired to make a list *like I always do* of the fears that worry me the most, the ones that so often occupy my mind, and my heart.  One of my fears actually intertwined with my blog and this post.  So that is when I decided to do a blogging series on fear.  I know there will always be things that I'm afraid of but there are some that I can definitely do something about.  So I'll be showing my list of fears here and then this upcoming week I'll go into more detail about each one, and how I plan on overcoming them or just coming to terms with them. *I will also be very honest in these posts and hope that people are kind enough to keep negative opinions and judgements to themselves*

Now I'm not a huge Yoda fan *he kind of creeps me out* but he made an excellent point.

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads to suffering"

 I don't think you could ever get anything more true than this from a weird little Jedi, fighter, troll dude.  The stuff about the dark side notwithstanding, Yoda makes an awesome point.  Fear Does lead to anger, anger Does lead to hate, and any negative emotions like hate will Always lead to suffering.  If i look back at the times I've lashed out at people at the very root of it, it was almost always because I was scared of something.   
Bet you never knew star wars got so deep did ya?


So here is the list of the fears, worries, and anxieties that keep me up at night. The ones that make my mind go crazy.  And the ones that stop me from living the life that God wants me to.

1. Driving
2. Being honest about my body
3. The end of the world
4. My brothers & Parents
5. Something happening to my marriage
6. losing someone else
7. my inability to follow through

Inspiration

 Lately I've been a bit over emotional, it's that lovely female time right now which I'm sure has a LOT to do with it.  It's also the stress of our entire lives changing, I'm not going to go into details but lately I've been reading the bible every day I'm proud of myself and my goal is to finish the bible in a year.  Right now I'm in Leviticus and it is making me feel BAD I mean the old testament day after day can be kind of hard to read when it's not going into insane detail about what Aaron's robes would look like it's talking about the evils of the Hebrews and all the horrible things they did, and then talking about what they aren't to do and what happens if they do it.  But I think as a Christian it's good to not just focus on the 'happy' parts of the bible the really good parts like when Jesus is born, or when he forgives us for our sins, basically not just the new testament.  I mean I was literally chomping down on a piece of bacon when the Lord is telling them they can't have anything to do with pigs!  I just felt guilty *but not guilty enough to put the bacon down, ahem* but I find now I'm having to stop and remind myself  the following;

1) this is the old testament things are a lot different than the new testament 

2) It's good for me to be well rounded and aware of whats actually in the bible 

 3) I am not Jewish so I can eat bacon guilt free.  

I was also just getting SO bogged down in thinking of who I used to be and how I used to be, up until I had my big moment with the holy spirit and my life was turned around and I was changed *Thank The LORD* but instead of focusing on how the Lord has changed me and worked in my life since then and how strong I've become in him...I was thinking of all the mistakes I made all the horrible things I've done and just feeling guilty and horrid about myself...just horrible.  And then I read a couple blogs and stumbled on a verse that really spoke to me, it amazes me how easily I can forget sometime that God knows exactly what you need and exactly when you need it.

This is the verse I 'found'  Hebrews 12:5 "and you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons: "my son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him."

 I also stumbled on a Japanese proverb this morning that I adore...

 "When you stumble don't get up empty handed"

I've never read this verse before but I love it.  What I took from it was that even if you are being rebuked by the Lord it doesn't mean he loves you any less.  Don't get discouraged and fall apart because you make a mistake.  Just learn from it.

Krista over at Life is the messy bits had a great post today that just inspired me and made me really think about how today and everyday is a blessing and a gift from our Lord and that it's all in his hands and worrying about the little earthly things will do nothing good for you.  Check out her blog it is fantastic!

And then there is Hailey, I've never actually talked to Hailey and I'm a new follower over on her blog Coastal Heart, Country Soul *and I'm loving it* and her post really touched me today and just totally echoed a lot of the same feelings that I have this is one of my favorite quotes from her post "I have made mistakes I wish I could undo, I have ventured where I wish I had never gone... but it doesn't matter in God's eyes. His grace has covered it all. My brokenness is made new. His love remains the same." - Hailey, from Coastal Heart Country Soul 

what she wrote just floored me.  That is exactly what I was crying about this morning what I was tearing myself up about.  And she pointed out for me what I just couldn't see this morning that God has forgiven me, that his son died on the cross so my sins would be erased.  And as a human being it is SO hard for me to just Let It Go and give it to God I just keep holding onto  my mistakes and keep letting them ruin me and run me down and that is Not what God wants for my life.  I need to remind myself that was the old me, that's me before I was saved.  Before I had forgiveness, before I realized the Love that God has for me.

so Yes.  I've made my mistakes, but they've been forgiven and I've been given a new life and I'm doing myself and the Lord a disservice if I keep clinging to my old life and old mistakes I need to live for the Lord and show him how thankful I am for this second chance at a beautiful and blessed life.

Amish Forgivness...it's not just for the Amish

Amish Forgiveness

...I know how weird that sounds because...

1) I am obviously not Amish

2) I could (I'm pretty sure this is obvious also) Never be Amish I do not posses whatever those people have to be able to live like they do it's utterly amazing to me!

3) You're probably thinking "what? is that a special kind of forgiveness or something?" and if it is it's obviously not for you because well, you're most likely not Amish either!

So I'm going to explain what I mean by this, I've missed my 'Thankful Posts' for the last two or three days I think.  Because as bad as it sounds the closer it gets to Thanksgiving the less I feel thankful.  I've been letting myself get overwhelmed and stressed out thinking about what's going to happen in January when my husband will be out of a job, when we'll be civilians, how we'll adjust to that, feeling lonely like I have no friends, starting to slip back into self pity, feeling like I failed my diet, getting upset at my family because I don't think they're doing what they should, letting jealousy and bitterness cloud my days and my feelings, and just letting stress and grumpiness and the need for everything to JUST GET DONE is making me lose site of why I'm doing it in the first place and is definitely keeping me from enjoying it, even getting something I've never had before; The Christmas Blahs!...anyway the list could go on and on and I'm sure I've lowered your opinion of me enough for one post.

But, I know how I'm feeling isn't good for me or anyone around me.  I know that I'm in a place in my life that is good for me where I'm realizing that this time of the year is for being anything BUT selfish.  For being kind and generous not just to your family and friends but strangers on the street!  I've been trying to get into the Christmas spirit, and I mean the REAL spirit of Christmas remembering that it's to celebrate the birth of Christ and God's greatest gift to man kind.  Not about presents or decorations or baked goods or holiday get togethers, not about the perfect Christmas card or best Holiday dinner.  But it's hard to pull yourself away from what has sadly become the main stream idea of what Christmas is about.  I don't want to lose sight of

The Real Reason For The Season

So lately I've been trying to focus on what I want to give this year, what I want out of this holiday season, and more importantly what I want to give people and make sure my family and not only those closest to me but strangers on the street take away from meeting me.  Even if it's opening the door for someone, tipping a waiter or waitress, letting someone cross the street without getting grumpy about how long they're taking, making sure no matter what rush I'm in a take a minute to smile at the person and genuinely ask them "How are you today?".  These may seem like small things but I've realized how much I need to REMIND myself to do these things how out of practice I am with them in my every day life and especially during this busy season, when really isn't the whole point of this season is to share goodwill and the love of Christ with your fellow man?

I've struggled with forgiveness my whole life.  As I'm sure most of us have.  For different things and now that I'm older definitely more serious things.  I saw a movie tonight at Bible Study, and I am shocked and pleased to say that I now realize Anything and Everything can and should be Forgiven.  I never realized before though that God did exactly that for us when Jesus was given to us and died on the cross for us!  He forgave us for everything and anything we have done and will do.  So why is it for us that it's so hard to forgive certain people for things that they do us?  We need to follow the example of Jesus. 

Luke 23:34 "Forgive them Father For They Know Not What They Do"

On the cross.  After he'd been betrayed, beaten, and was bloody.  Almost dead, crucified for doing nothing but good.  He asked God to forgive his persecutors!!!! How can we possibly find anything hard to forgive after the example given to us by Christ on the cross?  But sadly we do.

This film was called Amish Grace.  It's about the 2006 Amish school shooting that resulted in 5 girls being killed.  Shot by a man with so many problems and hurts, he'd lost his daughter and wanted revenge, wanted to offend God so he took the lives of these innocent girls.  And one girl prayed for him before he killed her.  It was an amazing movie, eye opening, touching, it is something everyone should watch.  The man killed himself after taking the lives of the girls.  And some men from the Amish community even one who had lost his daughter went to the killer's house and spoke to his wife saying "We are so sorry for YOUR loss, if there is anything we can do for you please let us know" the woman was in shock how could it be possible they could be this kind?  They told her they'd forgiven her husband already.  I won't give away anymore of the story and there is much more.  But it just showed me I have no right, none at all.  To hold grudges, to not forgive, to be angry and bitter about stupid insignificant things because it hurts me more than anyone else.  It hurts my own soul.  This movie made me realize what Thanksgiving is really about, made me rethink forgiveness, made me rethink so much in my life.  It was such a blessing to see and I hope anyone who sees this will rent it or buy it...it is definitely worth it.

Do you have a hard time forgiving?  Do you remember when this awful thing happened? Do you feel like you need to rethink your idea of The Christmas Spirit?  Do you have alot to be thankful for this year?