Thursday, November 1, 2012

My biggest fear

Michael and Matthew on a day we all went to the Bakery, they just loved it!

I've never written a blog post about this particular subject,  for a while I started a little series about fear and really it was just to lead me up to writing this post about my brothers.

I figure that this blog is really just an online journal of sorts, and this just happens to be one of those times that I've been slacking in reading my bible and in my prayer so I'm feeling pretty weak spiritually.  So this worry seems to be rearing it's ugly head.  And I feel the need to let it out here because Unfortunately we're human so fear creeps in, tearing us down as we let ourselves become weaker with every worry and every second of our lives we waste on worry, fear, on the 'unknown' we lose as opportunity to love, to see our blessings, to Thank God, and to trust in him

My baby brothers are autistic, Michael is 17 and functions at about a 12yr old level but he's in the body of an 18yr old that's a hard place to be stuck at.  Matthew is mentally a 2yr  old and can't speak at all he's also physically 18...they're both practically men.  I love them with everything I have and they are two of the most important parts of my life.

Michael, Stephen, and Matthew being goofy
As my little brother Michael who isn't so little anymore  sits across from me and cries about one of his 'regular' classes in school *it's drama and he's the only special needs child in the high school class of juniors and sophomores  and tells me how he was assigned to be in a certain group and got his part but the other kids decided they didn't want him to play that part and said he could just watch they gave it to a different guy and he ran out of the room and cried in the bathroom for awhile he told me he felt betrayed.  It's so hard not to by angry and hateful to these high school kids for hurting my baby.  i want to go in and demand the teacher do something that these kids apologize and accept him, but he tells me they did apologize and begged him to come back he said he likes class and he likes monologues but he doesn't ever want to be in a group again.  I asked if we should talk to the teacher and he informs me that this happened 'years' ago well years to Michael is actually about 3 months and he was over it but something on tv brought it up and made him sad so he just needed to talk about it.  Part of me is so happy and always a bit amazed that he's just so normal sometimes he feels hurt, he has memories of bad school days, just like I do.  And sometimes he doesn't need mom, dad, or myself to rush in and fix it sometimes he just needs someone to listen.
Stephen, Myself, and Michael being funny before a movie
But when he walks away is when I really break down and just cry, how can those kids be like this?  How can I be so angry with them?  I just want to wrap him up and keep him safe from everything part of me wishes he wouldn't grow up so he won't have to deal with the harder parts of life.  And it's so hard trying to make sure I hold my feelings in check and make sure he's all right and understands kids don't mean it usually and that forgiving them is the best thing to do.
Mommy and her babies
I'm scared of my brothers growing up.  I'm scared of what happens to them and us when one or both of my parents pass away.  I'm not scared to be without my parents I know they'll be in a better place but how do I explain it to my brothers?  I know michael will understand but will he ever get over it?  Or used to them not being there?  Will he be ok?  My main concern is Matthew, now if mom isn't home he goes and waits out on the swing for her until she comes home he'll wait for hours in the dark if he has do I tell him mommy or daddy isn't coming home?  He loves them so much.  He's our baby!  I don't want him to feel confused or abandoned.  He's not stupid he'll know they're gone.  How do I deal with that?  I want them to just be happy that's the most important thing to me. But I live in fear of the day Mama or daddy won't be coming home and Matthew will cry.  What will I do then?
From left; Matthew, Michael, Our father Kelly, and my husband Stephen
I don't have answers for any of these worries or questions.  i don't bring them up to my parents because I don't want them to ever worry about it.  My husband has no answers all he says he can do is be there for me, and for us.  I know I could probably go talk to someone about it and as my parents get older I know I'll probably need to talk to my pastor or a christian counselor.  But really nobody can tell me what exactly to do, or how to handle any of it, nobody can give me what I crave as a human...control.  That's the reality of it I want to be sure and positive and  have control.  But I'll never have that, God has control.  It is all in his hands.  This should be a huge comfort to me as a Christian.  But sometimes it's not, sometimes like tonight I just seem to let it all get to me.  I've never written about any of this on my blog or confided in anyone but my husband and the Lord about how I feel.
all 3 of them, husband and brothers are zonked by the tv lol
Fear is letting satan control you and your life it's really giving him that power over you, even though God is always in control you can make the choice to live in the present in a positive place and live with knowing that God is always in control and that he loves and cares for you and will be there through all the ups and downs in your life.  He knows how your life will turn out..nothing is new or unexpected to him.  He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end...and with him in control what is there to fear?
Dad and Michael, almost the same unbelievable

But I want to make it known that Michael and Matthew are the biggest blessings of our lives.  They are constant reminders of the faith of children and how important the little ones are to Jesus Christ.  Take Matthew, he can't speak.  He is mentally a toddler...and he's really always happy.  He has no worries, he sleeps like a baby.  Because he has faith that he will always be cared for...and he will.  He has no reason to doubt that just like we have no reason to doubt Jesus' love for us and no reason to doubt that it is all in his hands and we will always be taken care of.

So thanks for reading, I appreciate getting to get it all off my chest it kind of puts it all in perspective...Luke 12:22-34 helps a lot to, it's all about worrying and exactly what Jesus had to say about it.  I highly suggest giving it a read!


Kelin Flaherty-Winans said...

Marie you have me in tears. I have the same fears and the same worries for my baby. He is only 5 and it scares me to death what the next chapter in our lives holds. School is VERY challenging right now. The older he gets the harder things seem to get. He is the love of my whole world and my biggest challenge. I only hope his sister is as great as you have been for your brothers. Knowing your Mom and your family has always inspired me to know that with love in your home no challenge is too big, and to trust in God. I try to live day by day and leave tomorrow up to God! God Bless you and your beautiful family!

Beth said...

We had a similar situation, my aunt has CP and is in her fifties but really about eight, ten, twelve? When her parents passed, she cried like all of us wanted to cry. It was heartbreaking. And if we go near the funeral home, she'll say something like Mama's in heaven. She lives in a group home and comes to one of her sister's homes each month and for holidays. So I understand your fears...but you are right. God is bigger than the fear and He will take care of things when needed. :)

Jane Whitney Designs