The above photo is definitely not the best of me, but any photo with my daughter in it is beautiful as far as I'm concerned. And this one is very special because it just reminds me of breastfeeding her in the hospital and all the amazing emotions and feelings that go along with that beautiful and special act. I wanted to breastfeed my daughter so badly and made that clear all throughout my pregnancy, but I also wanted to do a completely natural birth so I know things don't work out as we expect most of the time. Breastfeeding in the hospital was difficult to say the least. I was so out of it from the surgery and my poor husband doesn't know anything about breastfeeding that we weren't very good at helping the little lady figure it out. I'd nursed her successfully for over an hour right after surgery and even in my drugged up state of mind it was beautiful and special. I loved that her daddy was right there helping me, it was just the 3 of us and yet it was also just her and I. I felt so bonded to her and as cliche as it sounds I just felt this pure and amazing love flowing back forth between us. Abby had a hard time latching on and Stephen had I hard time getting her to suck at all *she liked to fall asleep* by the time she was out of the hospital she'd lost 9oz which was kind of a lot and they were telling me she needed to eat more and I asked to give her a bottle breastfeeding wasn't as important as my daughter getting enough to eat that was the priority! But the nurses wouldn't let me and that really bothered me. I gave her formula the day we got home from the hospital and she was so hungry! It broke my heart for my baby! After that we tried to get her to breastfeed sometimes we were successful sometimes we weren't but it was always such a frustrating and usually discouraging battle I just started to pump and gave it to her in a bottle and that worked fine...until it didn't. Having a cesarean and a newborn is very hard, my husband gets up at 4am to go to work so he's in bed at 8 and that leaves me to take care of our little girl and it got really difficult for me to pump and be up with her all night because inevitably at the time I would need to pump she would just have fallen asleep and so I was losing precious sleep time. It got to be discouraging, stressful, and without the sleep I needed I was definitely headed towards depression and that is something nobody wants. So I've finally decided to stop. She's now a formula baby, and I'm starting to feel a lot better. She was breastfed for two weeks which is better than nothing, and in my opinion a healthy mother is an important thing for a baby to have. But I did breastfeed her one last time and she actually latched and sucked for a good long while, her daddy held her up to my breast and I cried with a smile on my face the whole time. I wish I could've done it longer but I had a decision to make and I'm confident I made the right one for our family. I will say thought that breastfeeding is a beautiful and wonderful thing and I wouldn't trade those moments with my daughter for anything in the world.
