Fear #2 - My Body

Well my fear #2...it's taken me long enough to write this wow!  But it took me awhile to figure out what to share and what not to share, how I really felt about it all, and just all those different kind of extremely personal and uncomfortable things.

I'm 5'5 and I am overweight.  I've always been big boned *no really my family is huge, my grandmother is almost 6ft* and I never really had a problem with it.  I'm plus sized, and that's ok with me.  It's also apparently ok with the doctor he's always so surprised at how healthy I am.  Just because your fat does not mean you're unhealthy.  I exercise, drink water, stay away from soda for the most part, don't smoke, or drink really, I eat veggies like a rabbit, and don't really go in for sweets.  My blood pressure, cholesterol, all of it is amazing.  I get an A+ every time!  I just wanted to clear that up for some people, just because you are bigger does NOT mean you are ridiculously unhealthy.  But anyway I'm a big girl, over the years I've come to the realization that I'm not meant to be thin *though I could definitely be smaller* and that I actually love my body.  I love that I'm curvy and round and soft.  That's what I've always thought of when I've thought of how a woman.  But that's just me and that's just what I want for myself.  Everyone knows whats best for themselves.

Over the years I've been teased about my weight and how big I am and in high school I was painfully shy because I felt so insecure.  It makes me sad though that thin people are made to feel the same way!  So I'm not saying that it's skinny people's fault and they're disgusting and horrible and blah blah whatever else bitter, mean, and negative people say to make themselves feel better.  If one of my friends who happens to be on the thin side says "I feel so fat I'm going on a diet" I don't start attacking her and asking why she'd do such a thing, etc. I saw oh yeah?  What kind?  I make sure to let her know she's beautiful just the way she is but if that's her choice that's her choice I'm going to support her!  But what was starting to happen with me was, I felt horrible All the time.  I didn't want to go anywhere at all.  I was feeling sluggish and embarrassed just to go outside and be seen *which was ridiculous nobody can tell when I gain weight except me really* at all.  I was so unhappy with myself I was projecting it off onto my poor husband who to his credit always loves, cherishes, and makes me feel beautiful *no matter what reality is actually looking like* but it was horrible.  I didn't want to have sex, do anything anywhere, I got depressed *which isn't surprising my family has a long history of depression and I was diagnosed during deployment* and that's was when I got snapped back to reality.  The Lord always brings me back when I feel like I'm just about done.  It's usually the thought of medication that makes me realize I'm getting in a little deep.  First off there is NOTHING wrong with medication for depression nothing at all.  For myself I'm trying to wait as long as humanly possible before going on it.  Although at some point I know I will need to.  My husband and I are just living together for more than a month for the first time in 3years and I want us to get used to each other without the added stress of finding a medicine that works for me and dealing with all kind of side affects.  I can keep it under control now with the help of the Lord, a supporting family, and a healthy lifestyle for me really makes all the difference.  So that was another drive there.  The depression and how it really affects everyone around you, my body, and just how I felt everyday finally pushed me to get off the bed and go for a walk.  This all started with a walk, I guess you can say it started with one step...♥

I became uncomfortable and unhappy with my weight again around the end of 2010 and then 2011 was just miserable.  My husband deployed and I found out I'm a stress eater I gained 22 pounds and I don't want to know how many inches.  He's home now and I'm finally in a place in my life where that kind of damaging stress is almost non-existent *compared to what it was anyway* and I want to do something about how I feel.  I'd love to fit into all my old clothes, but I'd really just like to Feel better.  My ultimate goal is to lose the deployment weight.  And to fit into those old jeans!  I'm not giving myself a set time because I think that is setting myself up for failure.  Over the years I've found diets don't work for me.  So I'm trying to do this differently.  I'm tackling one change at a time.  The first is exercise *and for me it's the most important* I've been doing PT with my husband everyday *except Saturday and Sunday* and I'm feeling wonderful!  Although Saturdays I'm going to start doing a workout video instead of just taking the day off.  My goal is to get comfortable working out everyday.  To get it to become a habit, a part of my schedule.  I've lost Two of those deployment pounds already and that feels spectacular!  I've decided to push myself a little, on the 17th it will be exactly a month until our trip to Nevada for a cousin's wedding and small family reunion.  A fun two trip for husband and I and the first time he's meeting that side of the family *no pressure AT ALL none whatsoever* so on the 17th *in two days* I'm going to start counting my calories again and trying my hardest to stick to it!  I want to see if I'll be able to see and feel a difference in a month of working out and eating right.  I'm not going to deprive myself because that just doesn't work for me.  So myfitnesspal is going to become my new best friend.  I'd love to feel my best on this trip and with summer coming it's just one incentive after another!  My husband is super supportive because since he signed up for the reserves  he wants to get back into PT and it's really awesome working out with him he knows just how to push me and encourage me!  My big problem with losing weight is I usually go really extreme for a few days then completely burnout and that's bad and it never works so I'm trying to go slow and steady and make positive changes that are going to stick with me!

this is me after losing that 2lbs and fitting into a shirt I haven't been able to wear in almost 3 years!

All of these photos *and more* are available on my pinterest board Being Helthy