Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Tired of the two F's

The Two F's=Fear and Fat
(interesting/funny side note when I was talking to a guy if I met him on myspace or vf (don't judge this was when EVERYONE was on Myspace.) after a couple weeks of talking to this would be the converstaion with a friend of mine (usually a different one every time I had lots of friends back then..hmm)
Me; I think its time to drop the F-Bomb on him
 friend; the what?
Me; The F-Bomb...the Fat Bomb, that'll help me know if he's someone worth talking to or not if he keeps talking to me and acts like its no big deal...then in another week or so I can drop the V-Bomb.
Friend; The what? where are you getting all these bombs at wtf?
Me; The V-Bomb is the Virgin-Bomb most guys don't want to talk to a fat girl that they can't even get any action from.
Friend; yeah thats true...guys suck...why aren't we lesbians again?
Me; Because A) we don't like girls they're bitchy and so are we so that just doesn't work, B) Thats two periods you have to deal with a month, and C) Because we don't like vagina.
Friend; Dang...you're right...better update that Myspace profile and try to reel in some new ones.
Me; I love myspace, I love Tom, why can't I marry Tom?
Please Keep in Mind that this was 4 years ago and my boyfriend of two years had just broken my heart lol

I'm tired of feeling like this. When I met husband I was fine with how I looked and felt.  Then we got married, and he left, then deployed, and all the stress and bad feelings and emotions came.  I gained 40 pounds in two years (probably more like a year and a half) I'm being brutally honest with myself in this blog post.  I won't be putting up what I weigh or anything lol but I'm being honest with myself, and for myself.  I don't like how I feel, the number on the scale has never really bothered or affected me.  It's how I feel and look, I'm not crazy about how I look right now, and I don't feel good at all.  Stress and anxiety is usually at the root of any weight gain for me.  It's not deployment any more, its having a group to run and monitor, getting involved in church, getting used to not having my husband here again, trying to find a good place for us with how often we do and don't talk, getting some big bills paid off, and me trying to sign up for just 3 classes, knowing the winter and fall are going to get even more busy, trying to figure out if i can go visit my inlaws like they and I want, trying to figure out all these people that want me to go see them and to come see me, worrying about what we're going to do when he's out of the Army in February...trying not to be depressed by the fact I don't see him until December 4 1/2 months..and even then it's only for two weeks...worrying about saving money up..what are we going to do for jobs when he's out, where to live, etc.  Alot of this is stuff I don't need to worry about right now AT ALL.  But my anxiety is going off the charts lately and I'm not sure why.  My mind is going places it honestly does not need to go!  I want to lose weight for me, or just get healthier really.  I need to make myself work out, every single day.  But what do I do? I need to start going to the gym and doing more than the treadmill but I'll be honest (that's what this is about after all) I am intimidated by all the good looking, thin people in there, I don't know how to do anything but the treadmill and eliptical..I'm scared to ask! I don't go in when any of the workers are in there because I'm a big huge scaredy cat (its a 24 hour gym after 7 people are pretty much on their own) and I go in after 7 because there is barely anyone in there.  I'm letting fear get in the way of alot of stuff and I don't like it, I'm pretty sure exercise would help my anxiety, and it would be something for me, help me with my stress...I just can't seem to start, or even stick with it and I really want to!  But where do I start?  I'm getting really discouraged here and am not sure what to do...a personal trainer? someone to ride my ass until I start doing it and making progress? What do I do about the food I'm eating?  Just not sure what to do :/ when I was actually going to the gym for a while it was really nice, its a nice gym I was finally starting to get comfortable (which actually may be a bad thing) I liked going there even when it was just me doing the treadmill for an hour.  So why can't I seem to do it?  How do I come up with all these excuses? ....I want to start kicking these stupid irrational insecurities, and fears butts! ...help? encouragement? anything lol?

... how much weight can I lose before December?
No! That's not what I want to ask myself, I understand you NEED a goal and I'm all for that but I can't be obsessed with the number on the scale I lost quite a bit of weight at one time, well I take that back I lost ALOT of INCHES the number moved some but not alot I lost alot of inches and felt and looked better than I ever had!  I'd like to get back to that place

Love that picture :)

Ok so im pretty sure the pic says it all...this was 2009

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