Wednesday, August 31, 2011

17 prt1

Self pity, it is such a dangerous thing.  It is so easy to give into it, no matter how hard you fight.  My pastor on sunday was saying how hard it is to be a Christian in the world, how it is not for the faint of heart and how when you get closer to God thats when Satan is really going to go after you.  And ever since that day (not that it was the sermon other things happened that day as well) I've been feeling so hopeless.  Like I'm holding on by a thread...I feel like every time I get any kind of hope its taken away from me.  But I can't bring myself to give up, I'm holding on but just barely.  I am so tired, feeling so sick hoping I don't have what my mom does (she's got a HORRIBLE case of the flu) dad leaves at 2am I have to have his breakfast and stuff ready, clean the house, get the boys up for school around 6am and thats a huge battle...its just everything piling up.  I've been wanting to fix something in my life so much lately...and I thought I'd be able to until today when the reality of it hit me, that was also a bust.  I feel so let down in every aspect of my life, I can't wait to go home in my room when everyone is at school and work tomorrow and mom is asleep and go outside into my apartment and just cry.  It'll be such a relief...I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight 3hours of sleep will do more harm to me than no sleep at all.  When things get like this I can't help but think back to a time when things were better and easier, so much sweeter.  When even though things were hard and made me miserable...there was always some good at the end of the day,  I could cry just thinking about it, thinking about 17.  I had a bestfriend who lived 30minutes away, he was the best friend I've ever had...we saw each other all the time would talk for hours and hours all night and joke and laugh and cry together...I've never had that with another person.  I could call him anytime of the day or night and he would meet me there in our safe place...I don't have a friend like that anymore either...feeling so discourage can I possibly keep going like this? I need to pray.  its getting harder but I can do it. God please help me.  I need you so much.  I dont want to let go.  Everyone else has let  go of me God I don't want to let go of you.

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