Monday, May 30, 2011

Fat Like Me, Skinny Like You?

So I'm plus sized, fat, big, phat...of all these I personally prefer Thick ;) LOL it's just a much more endearing word to me.  Anyway I've always been big except when I was VERY young.  Anyway I feel like my life gets into these little ruts where its just an insane struggle to lose weight and be thin and even look at myself in the mirror and think anything other than "ew",  and if i am being honest with myself (which I will be here) I will make myself sick looking at pictures of all the thin pretty, skinny girls that I think are so insanely beautiful and like any good fat girl (with my fat girl friend of course) will say things about skinny girls we see like "eew look at that! whats she wearing? too skinny!" And I am a big enough person (hah no pun intended) that I am just jealous.  Sometimes the things I say are true but most of the time it's me being a little person, being jealous and insecure with myself.  Because I can tell you no matter how hard I work no matter how little I eat I won't lose a ton of weight and look beautiful like them because big girls that are actually Big, like literally have big bones (my god my grandmother is a big boned woman of 6ft.) look HORRIBLE when they lose tons of weight and they think they look amazing.  I will never be that woman.  I will probably struggle with my weight my whole life.  Because these are just random periods for me, usually I don't have 'fat girl' syndrome where I'm instantly inflamed by jealousy at the site of a thin, pretty girl in a bikini, usually that doesn't make me sick to my stomach I think "hey thats a cute suit".  My bestfriend Lauren was a model for a long time, she's 5'6 and weighs 112...the first nice thing she EVER said to me (we worked together and weren't friends first didn't start off good at all lol) was "You're like really could be a fat model".  And I sat there for a second then said "thanks Lauren".  I didn't take it wrong or bad like people thought I would, because I knew I was pretty and I though hey she's right..never thought about that.  She will tell you though I am not some insanely lazy over weight person, I run all the time, I go to the gym, I love to workout and am Miserable when I feel I'm being lazy.  I don't eat giant portions.  I don't eat lots of sweets or fast food or soda, I eat and cook relatively healthy.  I have to have veggies and fruits every day or I am NOT a happy camper.  But I'm still big I'm sure I could lose alot of weight if I tried alot harder and stopped cooking pasta but the point is i will never ever be the pretty thin girl, I'll be the pretty curvy girl, the sexy thick girl (hah love my husband), and I am ok with that.  The number on the scale has never done a thing for me but make me miserable, now how my clothes fit and how I feel about myself is something different.  Recently it's  been brought to my attention I've been hating a bit more on The Thin Ladies than I usually do, and I had to sit and think about it and admit its because lately I have been bitter with Jealousy and totally unhappy with it, I've been feeling horrible about myself maybe from stress, maybe not but that's definitely been a big thing with me lately.  I was ashamed and embarrassed as soon as I realized that's what I've been doing, I had a couple of very down days where all I could think was "I'm disgusting and gross" it was pretty sickening the  level of wallowing I was at.  Now let me tell you anyone who is reading this thinking that "yes you can do it if you just move your fat ass more" FUCK YOU ok? Because you don't know me, my metabolism, how I am or anything like that..I am not like you ok?  And yes I go through times where I'm not ok with how i look and am built but I'm sure you do to.  Right now, today is not one of those times.  This week will not be one of those weeks.  I recognized why I was feeling bad, ran a couple miles today, started going to the gym more this last weekend, made some better food and I'm starting to feel like the old me again.  The me that Loveeees My literally Giant ass. My ocean-wide hips, big boobs, thick thighs, big pouty lips, and round heart shaped face.  I am very beautiful and sometimes I forget that and I need to stop and look in the mirror and tell myself I am...maybe I should start actually listening to my husband when he says that to me lol...of course there are things I don't like about myself, there are stretch marks that aren't going to go away (BUT if i tan enough *which I will do* they will fade a bit to somewhere i can be comfortable with), I don't like my knees (oh well I'm ALWAYS going to wear shorts), and there will probably always be a bit more to my stomach than I want.  But I'm healthy I've never gotten a bad report from the doctors office, I'm in fine shape. I'm going to keep working out because it makes me happy and makes me feel good when I cook its going to be an interesting combo of bad and good foods.  I'm beautiful and even though its hard for me and sometimes others to see I'm beautiful on the outside just like I am on the inside (conceited much? yes..yes I am) I will unfortunately NEVER be able to abide by

'The Fat Girl Code Of Conduct"

1) Never Wear Shorts
2) Never Eat in public
3) When you absolutely HAVE to eat in public ONLY eat a salad w/NO dressing!
4) Don't ever show your arms
5) Don't take pictures with girls that are skinnier than you
6) Don't be loud or draw attention to yourself in ANY way shape or form
7) Don't take any clothes off unless the lights are off
8) Avoid the mirror at ALL costs
9) Make sure you know you're place in all social situations
10) Blending in is the only way you're going to survive in the world
(there are more rules those are just the ones off the top of my head)

< ---The Above is Bad --->

 It makes me sad to think about that place I was in, where I felt like I couldn't even go outside I looked so bad.  And in reality I don't.  And I should never ever feel like that because I love me, My husband loves me, nothing else matters.  The movie Phat Girlz? Anyone seen it?

If you have a weight problem stop what you're doing right NOW and rent it. Go. Now. No I am not kidding get up and look on TV or youtube something, anything.  It's a great movie, because it's totally true, and exactly how I feel.  I'm a thick girl and I love to wear shorts, I'm loud and say my opinion, I love to wear beautiful bright clothes, I enjoy eating, and I will never stop because there is nothing wrong with that.  i may not be every ones idea of pretty but then again that doesn't matter because I'm my idea of pretty, and his ;) In high school I didn't talk. Ever. People made jokes about me all the time, then they got to know me after high school and are like "wow why weren't we friends?!" and you know its just as much my fault as theres I didn't give them anything to like about me, they shouldn't have said the things they did and make fun of me how they did but I didn't stop them.  I didn't respect myself enough I just tried to get lost in my books and my loud angry music ( Still Love u Heavy Metal ♥ 4Ever Babyyy RIP Purple Hair that I had Jr-Sr. year) I deserved respect and I didn't even know it, so if I didn't know it why would they?  If anyone out there is feeling bad about themselves weather you're thin, fat, you think you're ugly, whatever you aren't.  Everyone is beautiful.  We ALL have things we don't like about ourselves.  Look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself one good thing , one thing you love about yourself.  Don't be afraid of yourself.  Don't be jealous of other people (believe me i know how hard that can be) because even if you think they're the most beautiful person in the world..they probably don't.  Don't Judge someone you know nothing about, everyone is fighting their own battle. YOU Deserve respect in whatever you do wherever you're at (I've been a fat girl and a waitress believe me people tried to disrespect me at every turn) demand respect and they'll have no choice but to give it.


SarahMarie said...

Likey likey, your pretty and fun, and even better you have a heart of gold :D Love ya!

Ashley said...

You are beautiful, inside and out. The little time I have known you I have learned to love you. You will go to extremes to help anyone in need. Who cares if your thick? If someone cant see past that and see you for who your are then FUCK THEM! I have those days to where I walk around just disgusted by myself. But I think its natural. I think even skinny girls have days that they dont think their pretty. (dont know for sure lol) Some people would look horrible if they were extremely skinny. Like me for example. Im 5'7" and 165 I have a fat tummy and giant boobs (36F) if I were to lose weight I would look rediculous.(top heavy) Just keep your head up girl your not alone. You are beautiful and I love you :)

Navy Doll♥ said...

Hmmmm i want big bubiies and hips :p
lol ur beautiful and i love you and your huge made of gold heart you are amazing in every way therer's no need to be thin when you have a personality like your's you shine all the time because your beauty is both inside and out your smile is amaziing and i would die to have your eyes ^_^ we all have our pro's and con's what we like about ourselves and what we don't but in the end someone love's us for who we are and not what we are or look like they accept us just the way we are.♥ ily Marie Lester don't you ever forget that and if anyone ever tries to bring you down then they could just go fuck themselves ;) muahz!

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